Sobriety Is Super Overrated

Then I Put A Spike Into My Vein

Klaus' POV

Somehow it just doesn't seem to work.

Conjuring Dave, I mean. I just haven't been able to do it. No matter how hard I've been trying.

Ever since I got clean it's all I've been doing. All day every day, I'm trying to see him again. But I'm starting to think that maybe he just doesn't want to see me. Maybe that's why he never shows up.

"Don't give up, Klaus. I'm sure Dave will be here soon." Ben, like always is trying to reassure me, but by now I'm pretty sure it's hopeless. Dave's not coming back. Maybe he doesn't want to come back. Maybe he never liked me and never wants to see me again. It's the only explanation I can think of.

"Shut up. He's not coming."

"You just have to keep trying."

"I've been trying since  2 months ago and there's still no sign of him."

I feel tears running down my face and I realize i'm crying. All I want is to be with him again. To feel his touch again , and to feel his warm radiant smile again. That's all I've ever wanted. To be with the one I love. But nobody understands. Nobody understands the way I feel about him.

He came into my world so suddenly and out of nowhere, but then suddenly he meant the world to me. It's like I just found the right person but at the wrong time. We used to have conversations until late at night. I miss that. I miss him. He was the one who would always comfort me when I was afraid. When I would wake up screaming from the things I had seen on the battle field. When it just felt like I was reliving the memory over and over and over. Watching all those people die. Watching Dave die.

A flashback goes through my mind.

It was pouring rain, none of us can even see where we're shooting. My boots are soaking wet and I'm practically tripping over nothing. There also happens to be a strange sort of fungus growing on my feet. Soldiers foot. Although I'm not sure if doctors in this time have figured that out yet. There are quite a few bullets flying over from the other side. I'm trying to actually hit people. Dave is trying to protect me from anyone aiming at our side. That when I look over. My eyes grow wide from the shock and horror. He was hit right in the chest. I'm pressing as hard as I can on the wound, trying to save him.

"Medic!"

No one comes. There are probably a billion other suffering soldiers to attend to.

"Medic!"

Bullets fly. No one hears me.

Dave is dying. His facial expression is twisted up in pain.

"Medic!"

Still no one comes. Still bullets keep flying. Still the war doesn't end.

He's going to die here. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to die.

But he did.

Along with 5,800 other soldiers.

None of them were me.

I find that I've been staring space. So many people died. Why did this have to happen? I feel like I'm trapped. Like the walls are closing in on me and my breathing keeps on getting faster. I just can't anymore. I need the drugs. I know I shouldn't give into my addiction. But I have to. Even death would be better than this.

I leave the house immediately. In search of the thing I love that isn't Dave. I need to learn how to accept that he isn't here. He's gone. He's dead. I just need something to help me deal with that. I know I shouldn't. I know he would be disappointed in me if he knew but I can't go without it anymore. I need it.

"Klaus." Ben's trying to get me to stop. To change my mind. But it's pointless. I won't.

"Klaus, stop."

I keep walking.

"Just think about what you're doing Klaus."

I'm crying again. I can't help it. I miss him so much.

"I am th-thinking about it."

"Klaus just stop."

"No!" I scream and put my hands over my ears. When will these ghosts ever stop haunting me. Telling me what to do, asking for help, bothering me twenty four seven. What do they want? When will it be over? I just need to put a spike in my vein. That's the only way to make them go away.

"Klaus! You can't do this!"

"No no no no no no no."

The ghosts were coming back.

Klaus

Klaus help me

Save me

Klaus

kLaus

KlAus

I can't

Save me klaus

Stop.

Klaus

Stop it. Just go away. Just go away. Just go away.

Klaus

Help

Help us

Avenge us

Klaus

You're a failure klaus

You cant even save us

Why wont you save us

You failed him klaus

No.

Don't say that.

I didn't fail Dave.

Dave failed me.

Klaus

The ghosts finally quiet down. Ben is still hanging around as usual. But he's silent now. I get up off the ground and quietly walk a few more blocks to go see my dealer.

We meet in an abandoned alleyway. I remember back when I used to live in places like this. On the streets. That was before Dave. But now Dave is gone. Now I need to move on, I know I should move on but I just can't it's too hard. Everything is too hard and so I just end up turning back to the drugs and the pills to help me get over things. Me and the dealer make a silent exchange. I give him the money and he gives me the heroin. Neither of us say a word.

I take the dark, tar like substance back to my shabby apartment, where I can shoot up without feeling as though I'm being watched, even though I am technically being watched by Ben there too.

I slowly take my time cooking up the heroin. It's almost like some sort of a ritual. I have to cook it and then I'll lay out all my stuff and then get high. But I always do it in the same place in the same way. I'm always sitting on the tattered mattress (on which I've fucked many beautiful guys) and I always hold the needle with my left hand. And I almost never clean the syringe later because I'm too lazy and who will give a fuck if I die? I'm not sure how to describe it but it just feels ritualistic for me. I go through the steps and the I finally get to have my great escape from all this.

I tie a string around my left arm.

Then, I stick a spike into my vein.

And nothing could ever feel better.