As I'm Letting Go

Chapter 3

As I walk into my house my mom walks up to me.

"How was school?"

"Good" 'Not good'

"Great, I need you to take out the dogs, then go pick up your sister, and then put away the dishes. Also if your sister needs helps with homework...you will do it. Understand?"

"Yes mother."

Smack

"Yes mother...what?"

"Yes mother, I understand."

"Good."

I watch as my mother walks away from me. I lift my hand to graze my cheek, but can just barely touch it before a shooting pain goes through my entire face. I set my backpack down and head to the bathroom. As I look into the mirror, I can see the bruise that is starting to form already.

'I love how I'm getting abused by someone smaller than me.'

With my mother being only 5' 1", I tower over her by 2 inches at 5' 3". My sister, Ann, may only be a 7 year old, but she is already at 4' 3". I believe she will be towering way over me within the next decade, but my dad always believed that she will stop growing sooner and be shorter, while I would grow to be closer to his height. Which was 5' 11".

I remember always telling my parents that some of these kids that pissed me off were shorter than me and that I could easily throw them around. Now, as I think back to that memory, I glance once more at my reflection and think how I was so wrong to believe that.

...

After I finish taking my dogs out, I check the time on the stove to find it saying 3:58. I rush to put my coat and shoes on before my mother yells at me for being late. As I swing open the front door and start running down the driveway, I dare myself to look back. Of course, who do I see none other than my mother staring back at me. Just in those few seconds of looking, I can feel the daggers her eyes are throwing at me and the pain that will soon be awaiting me.

...

As I'm heading back up the driveway with my sister, I'm bracing myself for what's to come.

Ann runs ahead, throwing her backpack at me to hold for her, and goes to the door to embrace mother in a hug. As I get up to the door, mother has already gotten Ann to go to the bathroom, leaving us alone. She waits till I get through the door (so no neighbors see) and...

Smack

The second time within the last hour.

The smack ended up on the same exact spot as the one before. Causing the pain to be so excruciating. So excruciating, that I'm fighting to hold back tears.

"You were late, you're lucky you got there just in time."

My sister comes out of the bathroom just as my mother walks away. Ann and I take our backpacks and head into the kitchen. As she eats a snack, I put away the dishes.

"How was your day at school Ann?"

"Good, I got to play Monster with Charlie and Colette and Wyatt and other people at recess and I'm "sisters" with Jayden and Riley again and......."

Ann kept going and going and going. I tried to keep up, making sure to acknowledge at the right time and what not. Unfortunately, my mind kept wandering back to the same person it always seems to wander back to. Dylan Guckenberger. I tried telling myself that he was no good, he was bad news, a good way to get into a bad situation I would never get out of, and definitely a good way to get destroyed mentally and physically by Kailynn.

'No no no no no! Just stop Beth, just stop!'

"Beth are you listening to me?!"

"Yes, of course Ann."

"Okay, anyway, as I was saying...."

And it kept going like this for a good 5 minutes.

...

Half way through Ann's homework I'm ready to pull my hair out because she won't listen to a single thing I'm trying to explain to her. But at the same time, I'm trying to remain calm because otherwise I might just get smacked again.

"Ann, all you have to do is add this number and this number and then these. And once you have the 2 answers to combine them. Like, say you got 10 for 1 answer and 9 for the other, when you combine them you get 19 as the final."

"Okay! Stop yelling at me!"

"I'm not yelling." As I say through gritted teeth.

'But you're really pushing me to the max of bursting and yelling.'

"What is going on in here!?"

"Nothing mother. Just helping Ann with math."

"Well obviously you're not doing it correctly, otherwise she wouldn't have problems." My mother states as she tries to understand herself, basically excusing me from my duties.

"Yeah, that's why." I murmur as I get up from the table and and head towards the stairs.

I see in my peripheral vision the look of my mother and I know that it won't be a good outcome.

I'm stopped at the stairs by my mother who just looks at me.

Smack

But then that comes.

The upside to it is that it was on the other cheek so there is not as much pain. Unfortunately, that's also the downside; because now I'll have 2 bruises to cover up in the morning, 1 on each side of my face.

"No dinner and you can stay in your room for the rest of the night."

'Goodnight, love you too, thanks for the delicious dinner by the way.'

...

It's 10pm and I head into my bathroom to finish for the night before bed. After my nightly hygiene routine, I do my very special nightly thing.

I take out a razor and start. Never where people could easily see, like the wrists. Only the stomach and thighs. I do it so I can remember that I actually am real, that I can feel, and that there is no one who can rescue me. Not anyone, ever.

But of course, I will never end my life because then I would be leaving my sister alone with our mother (even though I think that might sometimes be a good thing) and I would just irritate my mother more because then I would leave her to do everything by herself (for the most part).

So I'm doing everyone a favor by sticking around to be a slave for them and by cutting myself because then they might feel more at ease knowing that at least I understand what I mean to everyone. Which is nothing. Unless for personal gain.

I do one more right across the stomach. And then it's lights out for the night.