As I'm Letting Go

Chapter 10

I'm standing at a door. A big, red, wooden door. It's pitch black and the air is heavy where I am. But the door is clear to see. I reach up to knock, when the door creaks open slowly. I stand there, frozen in place. I hear a voice calling me to come in. I'm too afraid, I can't move. The voice starts getting louder and louder and more forceful. I start backing away to run, when a hand touches my shoulder from behind. I jerk away from the hand. But for that second it was on me...the air felt lighter and the sky became clearer. I turn around to see...

I wake up suddenly. I'm dripping sweat and in a panick. I think back to the dream I just had. It has been the same dream for the last week. The same door, the same reactions, the same feeling when that hand touches me. But no matter what...I always wake up before I can see who it is. And it is driving me nuts!

The dreams started the night of the day at school when I heard what Dylan said to his friends about me. The dreams won't go away, no matter what I do. And neither will Dylan. Even though I ignore him entirely, he still tries to talk to me. 1 week of constant torture of dreams at night and Dylan during the day. I can't shake either of them.

I know what you're thinking. The dreams and Dylan must be connected in some way, right? Wrong. I refuse to believe that.

...

"Beth...you can't ignore me forever." Dylan says the millionth time this last week.

What he doesn't realize, is I can. Even if he is blocking my way, from getting to the bathroom.

"What? Are you stalking me now!? You just watch to see when I leave my class?!"

"You realize my class is across from yours, correct?"

"Move."

"No."

"Now. I'm not asking again."

"Technically, you're not asking, you're demanding."

I shove Dylan to the side to get to bathroom. He seems taken aback, because I actually succeeded in moving him. I place my hand on the bathroom door to open it when Dylan speaks.

"You going to cut yourself again?"

This time, it's my turn to be taken aback. I whip around to face him.

"What?!"

"Don't act stupid with me."

"It's none of your business what I do. You are not my boyfriend! You made that pretty clear that that would never happen anyway last week."

"So... you're finally saying why you're ignoring me."

"I didn't say that was why. But if that wasn't obvious already...then yes. That is why I'm ignoring you. You are not my boyfriend. You don't want to be my boyfriend. And I sure as hell don't want to be just friends with you, with the amount of crap I am getting from Kailynn and the girls because of me being seen with you. So I figure...the best way to end everyone's suffering...is to ignore you."

I turn back around and open the bathroom door before Dylan can say another word. I make sure to do a more thorough check of the bathroom to prevent last week's scenario from happening again. I pull the razor out when I hear footsteps. I rush to put the razor back, but by doing so I drop it. Causing the person who just walked in to see. Unfortunately, the person who saw, was non other than Dylan himself.

"So you are." He states.

"So I am what?! So I am cutting myself? Yes, of course I am. I've been doing it for years. But it's not like anyone actually pays attention to me to actually care. But as you can see, I am still around. So I'm not attempting suicide. So there's no need to worry about me. My own family doesn't for God's sake. So there's no need for you to. Because God for bid, if I do end my life, my mom won't have anyone except my little sister to abuse, and I can't let that happen. Even though my little sister treats me like crap too. And so does Kailynn and her posse. And it's not like I have anyone to talk to, so I let it all out on myself. Cause I deserve it, I deserve anything and everything that gets thrown my way. And don't you dare say to go talk to a therapist, because if I do, I will murder you."

Dylan stands there, no expression on his face. It's killing me, not being able to know what he's thinking. I grab my razor and stand up. I put it away and shove my way past him. He follows me out unfortunately. I turn to face him and look right into his eyes.

"Just forget everything I said in there. I don't know what came over me." I say quietly but still loud enough for him to hear.

"Beth." Dylan calls after me, but I walk into my class, totally disposing of the hurt look on my face and turning into a stone cold one.