As I'm Letting Go

Chapter 8

"Beth Hebel!!!!"

I here my mother scream at the top of her lungs all the way upstairs in my room.

'What does she want now?'

I trudge down the steps and into the family room.

"Yes, mother?" I say tiredly.

"I've told you time and time again to stop calling me mother. It makes feel really old."

"Well you are a mother and you are older than me. So it kind of suits you."

Smack

"You, Beth, are a real handful."

"Thanks.....mom."

"Better. Anyway I had something to ask you."

"What?"

"Did you tell your sister that I'm pregnant?"

"No, why?"

"Because when she came home she wouldn't stop talking about it."

As my mother finished saying that, Ann sprinted into the room with the dogs chasing after her.

"Beth, Beth, Beth!!!!!!"

"What is it Ann?"

"Are you excited that we're going to have another sibling?'

"Not if it like you." I tease.

Smack

"That was rude Beth. Apologize." My mother states.

"Sorry Ann. What I meant was that you can be a little too much sometimes, so I hope that this baby will be calmer. Understand?"

"Nope." Ann answers back calmly.

I get ready to explain better, but Ann exits the room and goes upstairs.

"I don't believe you didn't tell her."

"Well I didn't."

"Then who did? I know I didn't. So that only leaves you."

"Did you think of asking her yourself?"

"Of course. But she refuses to answer."

"Well then I'll ask."

"Good luck with that."

"Thanks!" I respond sarcasticly.

...

I knock on Ann's bedroom door. Then, I open the door, causing it to creak.

"Ann, I need to talk to you."

Ann is on the floor, playing pet shops.

"What Beth?"

"I have a question to ask."

"Okay."

I go sit down beside my baby sister and watch her playing pet shops.

"Who told you that mom was pregnant?"

"No one."

"Then how do you know?"

"I saw it."

'This kid is really making me work for this.'

"Saw it where?"

"On a piece of paper."

"What...you know what...why don't you just tell the entire story of how you know?"

"I came home and went to grab a snack and there was a paper on the counter next to mom's purse and on the paper it said to tell you that mom was pregnant."

"Oh okay. Thank you for telling me Ann."

"Your welcome."

I get up from the floor and start heading towards Ann's bedroom door.

"Beth? You wanna play pet shops with me?"

I stand there, looking at her, thinking. Finally I say, "Sure, just let me go talk with mom for a sec? Okay?"

"Okay."

...

After I tell mom about how Ann finds out and her feeling guilty and upset for being so stupid (her words not mine); I go back upstairs to join in on the playing of pet shops.

As I sit there, playing pet shops with Ann, I think about how this new baby is going to change our lives.

Is the baby going to make mom finally snap out of her anger that she has about dad's death? Is the baby going to make mom stop taking her anger out on me? Is the baby going to make mom the mom I used to know before dad died? What about her boyfriend? Is he going to move in with us? Are they going to get married, even though she says she will never marry again? Does the boyfriend even know that she's pregnant?

I have so many questions. But I don't feel like a have a place to mention them, let alone a say in the matter. What am I going to do? Who can I talk to? Where do I turn for help?

I don't feel as though I belong.......anywhere. I just wish I had......someone......anyone.

I wish I had my dad back.

...

Later that night

I know I should not do this. But I feel I need to. I feel that I deserve this.

I take my razor blade and swipe it across places on my thighs, stomach and back.

I feel numb. But....isn't feeling numb better than feeling pain?