Cracking An Enigma (a YJ fanfic) COMPLETED

Chapter Twenty One: PTSD

"I find it hard to tell you how I wanna run away."
Imagine Dragons, Zero

I SAT INSIDE THE KITCHEN with the others. No one was talking, I suppose the stress was all too much.

Artemis was leaning against a chair, Wally next to her sitting down and leaning his head on his cast. M'gann was mournfully stirring an unidentifiable mush of white. No doubt she thought the whole thing had been her fault. Kaldur was up against the wall, looking at the floor. Robin was sitting next to me on the couch. He had one arm slung across, whilst the other had made it's way to my hand, and was holding it. I don't think he was aware of it, but it was a nice feeling all the same.

I still couldn't get my head around what had happened. And also, that in the heat of the moment, I'd managed to convey how much I cared about Dick.

Oh, he definitely hates me now.

We saw Superboy running out of the cave, however we didn't pay it much mind. We were all too busy thinking of our own, stupid, mistakes. As if we hadn't put enough pressure on ourselves already. And to say I was annoyed at the League, was an understatement. They hadn't even bothered to check on us; just sent in Black Canary, to do some one on one therapy.

The slots were in this order: Superboy (who looked like he was done), Kaldur, Artemis, Wally, Robin, me, and M'gann.

How lucky that we get a session next to Robin! Woo hoo!

Kaldur slowly got up, and walked into the room. We waited some more, until Robin got up to go; then suddenly sat down again, shuffling closer to me.

Black Canary poked her head out, and said, "Robin, you're next."

"I want to talk to Shady,"

Now that was one hell of a shock.

He wants to talk to me? Look, I know I'm a good therapist, but this is just... Touching. Or weird. Or both.

Black Canary sighed, "Alright. Go inside, I'll wait out here."

Robin stood up, also taking my hand with him, and walking into the room. There were two seats inside, and as I closed the door, he sunk into one of them.

I sat in the opposite seat, and patiently waited for him to begin. He took a deep breath before starting. "You... You don't have to do this if you don't want to, Em. It's just, I want to talk to you about it,"

I made a flappy gesture with my hand. "I'm pretty sure that the reason for my dumb existence, is to help my friends... Dick." I said. It felt weird calling him that. He actually smiled at me, something I hadn't seen for some time.

"Hurting," he mumbled. "Try traumatized. I finally become leader, and end up sending all of my friends to their deaths. Now, I know I did what I had to. But I hated it! When we started this team, I was desperate to be in charge. Not anymore. And that's not even the worst of it. Y-You can't tell Batman."

"Why would I?" I asked, clutching at my trousers to relieve some of the stress.

"I always wanted... Expected... To grow up and become him. And the hero bit? I'm still all in! But that thing? The thing inside of him, that drives him, to sacrifice everything for the sake of his mission. That's not me."

I couldn't believe he was trusting me with this, when he knew nothing about me except my name.

"I don't wanna be the Batman, anymore." He finished, looking at his trainers.

Uncertainly, tentively, I reached out a hand, and put it on his shoulder. "No one, has to be Batman." I said gently, my inner therapist kicking in. "We all deserve to be ourselves, and if you expected to be him, I hate to say it, but... That was wrong." He looked up at me.
"We all deserve to be our own person, Dick. You don't have to be Batman, you can be something completely different."

He sighed, and placed him and over mine, the one that was on his shoulder. "Thanks, Em."

"Anytime," I muttered, feeling that I'd actually done some good.

Then he did something that shocked me right to the core. And no, he didn't kiss me.

He took his hand off mine, making me think I'd done something wrong, so withdrew my hand too. But then he did something completely unexpected.

He took off his sunglasses.

I almost screamed, but managed to just adopt a look of wide eyes and mouth half open. His face was way better than I'd ever imagined. Even though his messy black locks were uncombed and falling in front of his face, I could in fact see, that Dick's eyes were actually a beautiful shade of blue.

Oh. My. God. HE JUST SHOWED ME HIS FACE. HIS COMPLETE. FACE. OH MY GOD.

"Ah, um, duh, urgh," I stuttered, feeling face turn several tones of exotic pink and red.

"You deserved to see that," he muttered, putting his sunglasses back in, making me miss the sight of his whole face.

"Th- thank you," I gabbled, still feeling the rush from the moment beforehand.

"I don't think you want to talk about what happened with you though."

I shook my head, stubbornly.

Oh my God, what's wrong with you?! He just showed you his face, and now you're denying to open up to him! Again! How does he put up with you and your secrecy all the time?! How does anyone?!

He sighed, obviously used to my untrusting nature. "I understand." Before he walked out, he said heavily, "I hope you'll open up to me one day, Em."

Well, that made me feel like crap.

Black Canary came back into the room, and deposited herself into the chair that Robin had been in. "You didn't tell him, did you?"

I shook my head. She frowned at a little, then said, "Shadow, why don't you trust anyone?"

"It's not the fact that I don't trust anyone, it's that I can't."

"Was your childhood that risky?"

"In a way, yes. But also... I am simply incapable of opening up to people." I dropped my gaze to the floor. "It's a family trait, that I unfortunately have inherited."

"Shadow... Why did you sacrifice yourself for Robin?"

I was a little taken back by the question, however I answered as honestly as possible without telling the truth. "He deserved it more than me. The others needed him. I'm just a tagalong, really."

"Who are you Shadow?"

"It's not a question of who I am," I replied, looking up with dark and unnatural eyes. "But what I am."

"And what are you?"

"A monster,"

"That's exactly what Black Widow told us when she came here." I stared at her, a little intrigued. "What else has rubbed off on you, Shadow?"

"Well, most of my forced beliefs come from my background, however there's one thing that's always stuck with me."

I was about to open up. About to tell her about my dad, my mum, how is been trained, who I really was, why I thought emotions were weak.

However, I could only utter one single statement.

"Love is for children." I stated blindly.

"You're blocking people out again, Shadow."

"I know," I whimpered, "but it's not like I can help it."

£

Later that day, I went back to Gotham, to see Natasha. As I walked, I suddenly felt a crumpled piece of paper in my shorts. One that I'd told myself never to use. Now I was having second thoughts.

I suddenly approached the phone box across the street, and dialed the number. It picked up after five rings.

"Hello?" Came that voice, the one that had given me nightmares.

"Hey Dad," I mumbled emotionlessly. "I think I've made up my mind."

"Oh?" He hummed, sounding interested. "And?"

I took a deep breath. "We have a deal."