Mute (Levi Ackerman x Reader)

𝟙𝟠 • 𝕊𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕟 𝔻𝕒𝕪𝕤

Wow, I'm here again, awesome. I'm just writing in frustration because I literally can't talk about what's going on and the one person who would listen to me won't even look at me. I'm not complaining, people have it far worse, but I think it's universal to say heartbreak sucks. Already I have a million starch marks on the page and I'm only on the first paragraph.

This situation is just irritating. Before today everything was fine. I thought Ryan's presence here would ruin everything, in fact he did the exact opposite. Levi admitted his insecurities to me, something I thought he'd harbor from me forever. But he did. I thought that was a step up.

But today, I found out I was pulled from the expedition for the half-ass excuse that I was injured by Levi. Of course, I was upset. Obviously, punching him wasn't the best way to go about it, but I literally couldn't communicate my frustration through any other means than physical. He never once mentioned to me about pulling me out. He didn't even consider what this expedition meant to me.

Five years ago, I joined the military as an escape. I didn't mind dying, not for the cause, but to get away from my life at the time. My life held no value to anyone, not even myself. So at first this meant nothing.

But then, I left the box I've been confided in all my life. I learned about other people's lives and other's people struggles. I learned how privilege my life was in Sina. I made friends. I found a purpose. Many people find have a reason behind why they keeping going. Everyone has something, something they hold onto that's keeps them going, whether it's friends, family, women, booze, dreams, their will, food, children, power, God, the king. Mine is to give other's a better life.

I fought so others don't go through the pain of losing someone they care about. I fought for the sake of my parents, they died an unfair death. I fought for the sake of freedom. Fighting proves that I'm able to overcome.

Getting through this expedition means being a step closer to helping Armin reach his dream, it's helping Eren prove his worth to humanity, it's getting revenge for my parents' deaths, it's getting revenge for my comrades' death, it's making a new name for (L/n), it's my last fuck you to Ryan, it's a prime example that Levi and I could work.

He's taking all that away from me, he's took my purpose of living away and he won't even tell me why. He tells me he loves me and pretends he doesn't care. Maybe he really doesn't care, maybe he isn't pretending. That's a thought I don't want to bear. I rather be at the hands of Ryan than have Levi not care for me.

I'm trying to think of the last time I felt like I lost a piece of me.

It's crazy I haven't felt this bad since I lost my child. That was three years ago, I never thought I'd go through so much sacrifice and self-loathing again. I feel like crap bringing that up, but I've never even mentioned this to anyone and in a way writing it down is relieving the pain. It's so much better than keeping it in.

I wasn't even going to talk about him or her in this, but it just came to mind so we're going to go with it. That's what this is for writing whatever is in my head, even if I can barely see the page through my tears.

The memory of losing my child came to haunt me that day in the library and now it's coming up again. I was over it... at least that's what I told myself, but I'm really not. That was a very dark time in my life, those excruciating years will never leave me. What made those years even worse was the lost of my parents, the lost of my own soul, mind, and body, and the constant hatred I have for myself.