come back // joshler

12: Tyler

After Josh had left his house Tyler felt happy for the first time in a while. He felt like a piece was put back inside him, and he was alive again. And Josh was gay. Tyler was so surprised by it, he didn't think Josh was, he seemed so straight-like. But maybe Tyler just hadn't paid enough attention to stuff like that before. Maybe he had been too caught up in his own business that he forgot Josh and seemed distant. He was sad that Josh had to leave though, but they had hung out for a few hours. He could still feel Josh's arms around him, and his shirt now smelled like his soap. It felt unreal. The only thing bothering him was that he didn't know who Josh liked. He wanted to know so badly. Was it some athletic guy, or a theatre kid or what? He decided to go to his room and got off the couch. He had no idea where his parents were, and he really didn't care either. Maybe they didn't know where he was, and they were planning his funeral.

He walked to his room and slammed the door shut before collapsing down onto his bed. He thought about how his funeral would look like if his parents planned it. Probably those awful baby pictures of him would be displayed somewhere and his parents would be crying the whole time. Zack most likely wouldn't attend and would be at home blaming himself for everything, his grandparents would have an excuse made up so that they wouldn't have to attend at all, and his aunt would be there just for the food. Someone would hold a speech of how much Tyler had loved life, but it had gotten too much, and then say how sorry they were before slyly sneaking to the kitchen to get drunk of the leftover wine.

Yeah, Tyler really hoped his relatives would die before he did or otherwise his funeral would be a total shitshow. Not that he wanted a beautiful, grandiose departure, but he did not want his awful relatives to ruin his 'last journey' or whatever. He didn't really understand why it was called the final journey when he was already dead and couldn't experience it himself. After all, funerals were for the people left behind on top of the soil by the dead. They were for them to express their undying love for the person, and for them to maybe get peace after their last words being something hateful or angry towards them.

Tyler sighed and rolled onto his stomach. He reached for his blanket and got under it before continuing to think of the symbolism of death, funerals, reconciliation and other pleasurable things. He thought of an interesting sentence; death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit. He wondered if the sentence would make sense to anyone. Would anyone understand the actual meaning behind it, or would they just say 'that sounds cool', meaning they had no fucking idea what it meant, but they didn't want to sound stupid. Tyler pushed his hand in between his two mattresses and pulled out his notebook full of thoughts and poems. He flipped onto an empty page and fiddled with his pen before starting to write.

there's an infestation in my mind's imagination

i hope that they choke on smoke cause i'm smoking them out the basement

this is not rap, this is not hip-hop, just another attempt to make the voices stop

rapping to prove nothing, just writing to say something cause i wasn't the only one who wasn't rushing to say nothing

this doesn't mean i lost my dream, it's just right now i got a really crazy mind to clean

He looked at the text and shook his head. It made no sense at all. Maybe he'd ask Josh's opinion? Tyler wasn't sure if he should or not. What if Josh thought he was ridiculous? After a while longer of debating, Tyler decided against asking him, he was probably busy anyways. He turned another page and wrote a single sentence, wanting to store it somewhere;

i won't take much of your time, just enough for you to save me.

He wasn't sure what he'd use that for. Maybe he wouldn't, it did sound quite depressing. Most of his poems and thoughts did. He wanted to write something happy, he really did, but how could he when every time that he picked up his notebook this was the kind of stuff he scribbled down? His sadness, and everyone's sadness, inspired him in a weird way.