In My Heart

Despair - Part 13

The next day Jalillah woke up with a monstrous headache. It was not unconnected to the little or no sleep she got. Last night was not what she wanted to remember, and she was more than glad Mo was not in the suit, when she got out of bed.

Jalillah took a bath and when she got out there was a tray of breakfast she had not ordered for. Then she saw him, and her heartache. Mo had returned from a run and ordered breakfast. They both consciously avoided eye contact and said nothing to each other. He did not invite her to eat breakfast and she would not have eaten if he did. She was nauseated from Mo's betrayal.

His phone rang, and when he spoke into it, he looked upset. Was it Zoe, she thought. It had to be she. Did he go back to her last night? The more she thought about this the more she got sad. He went out to the baloney and closed the glass door, so she could not hear him speak into the phone. When he came out he looked at Jalillah, she ignored him and picked up the phone to call the reception.

"Please, can I have a pain killer for my headache?" Jalillah asked the person at the other end of the phone.

"Oui Madame," the attendant said.

"Jalillah I need to tell-

"You don't get to need anything from me, Mohammed, stay out of my way and I will stay out of yours, for good." She cut Mo off from whatever he wanted to tell her.

There was a knock on the door and it was her pain reliever. She got into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. Her eyes were still red and her face swollen.

Jalillah put her face into her two palms. Why was she so hurt?She knew the answer, she had falling in love with him. It was not meant to be this way. Their relationship was to be an arrangement and at best they could be friends, but she knew what she felt last night. It was more than friendship. What she felt was love, which can never be reciprocated by Mo, and it hurts, it hurts so badly.

When she got out of the bath, Mo was packing his travel bag,

"We need to leave for Paris now"

Of course, he could not wait to get rid of her and run back to Zoe. In less than an hour they checked out and were on their way to Paris.

*

They sat in the car with out a word to one another. Mo received a message on his phone, and after reading it, he asked the car to stop. He went out and made a few phone calls. Zoe must have texted him, Jalillah thought. The next four days in Paris will be miserable. Their flight was in three days and she could not spend one more moment with him. When Mo got back into the car, he had a blank expression on his face and said

"We are going back to Abuja today, something came up."

Off course, something came up. Mo was running to tell his mother the love of his life was free so he also has to be free from her. They drove straight to the airport and were on the next flight to Abuja. The silence between them was deafening. The flight was cold physically and emotionally. She still had a headache and requested for a pain killer just before the plane landed in Abuja.

The company car was waiting for them at the arrival. Jalillah just wanted to see Inna. Only Inna could ease this pain for her. She will go and see Inna first thing tomorrow morning, or today. Mo spoke to the driver out of her hearing. What was he telling him? She was too tired to care. The driver drove and Jalillah noticed they were driving to Inna's house. How could he! Mo could not wait to get rid of her hours after he had seen Zoe? Fine, she just has to come clean to Inna, about their arrangement and unconsummated marriage. It would be easy for Inna to understand her predicament and let her back home.

"Jalillah I can tell you how sorry I am" Mo was saying but Jalillah stopped him

"Please Mohammed, don't" She had a flair of calling him by his full name while they argued. It gave her more control and balance.

Mo did not say anything more. He probably did not want to argue in front of the driver.

The car took the turn to Inna's house and Jalillah's heart skipped. There were too many cars in front of Inna's house and around the entire street.

"What is going on?" She asked, not directed to anyone in particular. Mo turned and said

"Jalillah I am truly sorry. Mother called me and asked we come back immediately, I wanted to tell you but you wouldn't let me"

She knew from that statement that her grandmother was no more. Her emotion overtook her body and she could not stop shivering. Mo tried to hold her but she wouldn't let him. She got out of the car and ran towards the house. There were too many people, but she was searching for only Inna. People tried to hold her as she got in and some busted into a sob. Inna's chair was empty. Women sat on the rug and Hajiya Rani held her and sat her down. Everything was falling apart for her. She could only pray for God to ease her heart.

*

So many people came and left, Jalillah could not keep count. Her mother-in-law was by her side but Jalillah felt alone. Inna was her all, they lived for each other, and now she was gone. By evening Jalillah wanted to be alone. The inflow of people stressed her more. She excused her self to her room and put a lock in the door.

She saw several missed calls on her phone, including that of Mo but did not return any. She wanted to be alone and so she ignored any knock in the door. She only told Hajiya Rani and Merro she was tired and just needed to be alone. She stayed in for the next day and refused food or any calls, she just could not face the world without Inna. On the third day, there was a knock on her door and she did not answer but the voice that came through took her unaware.

"Jalillah please let me in," Mo said.

Mo was the last person she wanted to see or talk to. He was free to leave now. The only reason she married him was Inna and Inna was no more. So he can leave and run back into the hands of Zoe.

"Please Jalillah" Mo pleaded over and over.

When she opened the door Mo, his mother and Hajiya Rani were all standing by her door. His mother said

"We will leave you two alone and I will bring some food for her to eat"

Mo entered her room and shut the door. He moved close to hold Jalillah but she will not let him.

Jalillah please"

Holding her gently but firmly, Mo said to Jalillah in a whisper,

"I know you want to be strong, and I respect that but let me be your strength today, please".

Sensing her hesitation, Mo held up Jalillah's face, her eyes could not hide the grief she felt, and her lips trembled nonstop.

"It's okay to let go, Lilly," Mo said pulling her into his wide chest, and with this Jalillah could not hold back. She felt like the last straw holding her was pulled out. Letting the painful feelings she felt take over her. Her feet gave away, and she could not stand on them any longer. She was falling, physically and mentally and her tears were unstoppable, but Mo held her. She allowed herself to lean on him. He was the support she wanted and needed. 'Just for this moment', she thought, 'just for this moment', because she could not get carried away, and disregard who Mo was, her husband, who is emotionally deprived... and could never love her.

Standing to in Mo arm Jalillah decided never to go back to Mo, she was leaving him for good no matter how much it hurts, and that was her decision. She does not belong to him. She will start her life without him and live in Inna's house. She was never going back to the Barma estate. Never!