To Steal An Egg

Chapter #17

엒 TWELVE YEARS LATER 엒

Tori: 26
Tim: 23
Carter: 21
Rosey: 14
Rowan: 12
James (Jamie): 9
Izzie: 5
Brandon: 5
Sierra: 2
Spencer: 3 days

I wrote this down in pen on a sticky note. It was getting hard to remember all of my kid's names now. Tim and Tori lived in the dorms and Carter was also in college yet he still lived with us. James prefers to be called Jamie. He wears dresses and has hair down to his shoulders. Maybe he's transgender. I think so. Izzie and Brandon are twins and Brandon does 5th-grade math even though he started kindergarten a week ago. Izzie still isn't potty trained. Tim isn't in a wheelchair anymore, but he has a prosthetic leg and he's proud of it. Rosey is the brattiest teenager you will ever meet. She sings Firework by Katy Perry in her room whenever she doesn't have school. Sierra loves to dress up. Spencer was born silent. He doesn't cry. He doesn't make noise. He doesn't move his arms or legs. He has trouble breathing. The doctors weren't sure of his condition. Gary is a professor and I'm a stay-at-home mom. You could call us decently wealthy. Anyway...

"Mom! Jason called me ugly again!" Rowan yelled when he came in the door today. He slammed it shut and set his bags on the floor.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because he's a jerk. He told me that I needed to get my head fixed and that I eat like a frog."

"I'm sorry, Ro," I said.

"Hey, Squirt," Carter said while he walked into the kitchen.

"I am NOT a squirt," Rowan grumbled.

Jamie skipped into the kitchen with a bow in his hair and wearing high heels and lip gloss. "Jamie, were you in my bathroom AGAIN?" I asked.

"Maybe," he said, "or maybe not."

"C'mere," I said angrily. He ran away screaming.

"Mommy I need go potty," Sierra said.

"Izzie is already in there. She needs to be potty trained EVENTUALLY," I rolled my eyes.

"BUT I NEED GO POTTY NOW!" she screamed.

"You'll have to wait," I said.

"I CAN'T WAIT!" she screeched.

"Umm, well," I was going to say she could go to my bathroom but it was too late. There was a puddle at her feet.

"SEE?!" she said with a pout on her face.

"Yes, I see. Let me go get a mop."

"NO! ME DO!"

"Okay, you get the mop then."

"Allbu sewf," she said.

"All by yourself. Sure. Go ahead," I said. Even after 26 or so years of parenting I didn't always know what my kids say in their early English. Yet people ask me how I know what my kids say with their horrible lisps.

"And, Mom," Rowan continued, "Kayden called me stupid today when I left to go with my math mentor."

"Well Kayden's an idiot so... yeah."

"I know. I told her she was a mean Butthead."

"Don't call people Buttheads, Ro."

"And I shoved her."

"I want you to apologize tomorrow, okay?" I said.

"Mom, I have a date today so can I borrow your car?" Carter asked.

"No, I have to take Izzie to ballet," I sighed.

"MOM! The toilet's clogged!" Izzie shouted when I heard a gurgled flush from the bathroom.

"Ugg," I groaned while I walked to the bathroom.

"MOMMY! Where are mop?" Sierra said.

"In the closet!" I yelled.

"Mom, can I go to Blake's house today?" Brandon asked.

"EVERYBODY QUIET!" I shrieked.

"Carter, you can walk to the pizza place. Rowan, I can't help you. Jamie, go wash off your face and give me my shoes. Brandon, maybe not today. Izzie, it'll be a minute but thanks for letting me know. Sierra, please go get the mop to clean up and stop poking Spencer. He doesn't like it," I said. Spencer's eyes were closed tight and his mouth was open and trying to force noise out, but he was quieter than a tiger seeking his prey. "And, Izzie, get in the car!"

"Okey dokey!" she said.

Sierra poked Spencer one last time and then rolled around in the hallway. Spencer scrunched up his face and balled up his fists. He tightened his eyes closed and opened his mouth, still smiling. He farted.

"Eww..." Sierra and Izzie said.

"Spencer, that's gross," Brandon and Jamie said.

"That smells BAD!" Rowan plugged his nose.

Rosey's music player stopped. "What was THAT?!" Rosey screeched from her room.

"Spencer," we all said. I took him out to change his diaper, which was soaked and was barely holding up. I picked him up and shrugged. I got the warm bathtub running and when it was deep enough for a good washing, I stopped it and put Spencer in. Before I could even let go of the newborn, Sierra cam into the bathroom, naked. She got into the tub herself and stared at Spencer.

"He naked," she said.

"So are you," I said.

"I take bath with Spencer."

"Go ahead. Nobody's stopping you," I said. Before I knew it, Izzie and Brandon joined in. I laughed at all of the little nude kids in the tub. I grabbed my phone and snapped a picture of them. Then chaos happened. Izzie and Sierra decided that they wanted to go raid the cookie jar and so now it was just two boys in the tub. That's when Spencer opened his mouth, which I assumed meant he wanted out. I was right. When I picked Spencer up and sat him on some towels I heard a shout.

"Mom! Jamie cut off his privates with your hair-cutting scissors!" Izzie yelled.

"NO I DIDN'T!" yelled Jamie.

"Oh, no." I really hoped this wasn't true. I ran up the stairs and sure enough, Jamie was standing there naked, with blood running down his leg.

"Jamie?" I looked at him and waited for an explanation.

"I wanna be a girl!" he cried.

"We'll see what we can do about that," I said. "But right now I want you to go get a towel or two from my bedroom and lie on the couch and wait for me to take a shower."

"Okay," he sniffed.

"NEVER do that again, okay?" I said.

"Okay."