Rebel

Chapter 3: The Ghost of You

When the partying ends in Welch, you're left with a stomach full of alcohol and the option to spend the night with someone or spending it alone. Why do you think so many babies popped up every year? No one ever chose the latter. Even though Danny never crossed that line, we did spend the night together a few times.

When I let my tough exterior melt away, I was excited to spend another night talking until the sun came up. Tonight we decided to park in the wide spot on the bypass where you could look over the entire town. It mostly held empty buildings, as tall as the sky, with plywood covering the doors and windows that hadn't even been thought of in years. It was only a shell of what it used to be long before any of us were born, but it was one hell of a view.

I wandered around in the dark and hopped on the hood of his black 2001 Malibu as gracefully as I could. I was pretty skilled at not hobbling around like a baby taking their first few steps when I had a few drinks in my system. Not to mention, my good mood had me feeling pretty fucking fantastic. Being on cloud nine made you feel like you could do anything and I forgot how amazing it felt.

He shut the driver side door and walked around to lean against the hood next to me. We stared at the white and orange street lights that lit up between the abandoned buildings. Occasionally you'd see the flash of headlights creeping down the streets, but that was it. Nothing was ever open past nine o'clock so you never saw much activity unless there was a party or a football game that came to an end.

"You know I'm going to ask you about Dean, right?" he asked. Even in the dark, I could see him giving me the usual "spill your guts" look with the moonlight shining on him. "Yeah, I know. And you know that I'm not going to talk about it at first, but I'll eventually tell you." By eventually, that meant telling him after a few minutes of getting my thoughts together.

I took a deep breath, careful not to let my emotions get the best of me. Danny always said that the best way to feel better is to talk about what's bothering you. He never had a problem with speaking his mind and I envied him for that. My body was trembling and I didn't know if it was my nerves or if it was the cold breeze flying around us. "I've seen him around a time or two, but he stopped bothering me about two months ago. Ever since one of Reggie's parties back in May, he's probably keeping tabs on me, but he keeps his distance." I could tell that he was clenching his jaw.

"I still blame myself for a lot of what happened," I said, hoping he couldn't see the shame on my face. We'd done this same old song and dance time and time again and there was never anything he could do to convince me that I wasn't a basket case that was also a complete disaster magnet. He always got so frustrated when I voiced my guilt and I knew that it was because it felt like we were always back at square one. Danny always worked so hard to fix me in the past and I knew that every step of the way, he was doing it because he cared about me.

I could hear him huffing because he was getting angry. Any moment now, he was going to explode and I wouldn't know how to handle it. "You can't do that! I have told you time and time again that you can't blame yourself! You didn't even know you were pregnant!" he screamed, throwing his hands in the air. I froze for a second. My heart was pounding in my ears and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"You said you'd never speak on it!" I yelled back at him. By this time, he was marching away from the car, but I didn't care. I didn't care how angry it made him, I just wanted to speak up and say what I was feeling. But he always said that he would never bring up my miscarriage. It was the main reason why I was so fucked up and I wanted so badly to forget about it. He had no right to bring it up. It was my body, my problem, and my life. He wasn't losing a constant battle with guilt. I was.