Rebel

Chapter 21: Not Afraid

Reality had finally set in when I climbed onto an examination table with my feet in stirrups and an ice cold probe in my vagina. I couldn't help felling a little uncomfortable. I slowly realized that I had a huge problem with letting a complete stranger look at what was between my legs. Danny and my mom were standing at my sides. "It's okay. When you finally go into labor, you won't give a damn about who sees it," Mom said when she noticed my discomfort. Hearing her words and holding Danny's hand helped calm me down a little.

I stared up at the ceiling as the ultrasound tech rolled the probe around inside me to get a good view of my uterus. I think that was actually worse than when she initially inserted it. Danny looked nervous and scared. Mom was smiling from ear to ear. The suspense was killing me. I knew that she was looking for a heart beat but I was afraid that there wouldn't be one.

"Gotcha!" she shouted after a few minutes passed. All of us turned our heads toward the screen. It was a fuzzy black and white mess at first, but then I saw it. I saw the tiny pea sized flicker. I sat up a little to get a better look. My eyes weren't deceiving me. "Gimme a second," she added as her hands scanned over the machine. She tapped a button and suddenly the room was filled with a whooshing sound that made my heart race. "That's the baby's heartbeat," she said with a smile. I didn't know if I was more relieved because we got our reassurance that the baby was alive and well or if I had fallen in love with someone that I didn't even know. It was probably both.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of the image. Luckily, she printed off a copy for us to keep. "Looks like you're about eight weeks! Congratulations!" She handed me the picture and I wanted to hold it close to my heart for as long as I possibly could. Mom stood in the corner smiling at us, and Danny was wide eyed and shocked. I couldn't help but think about how I didn't get to experience this the first time. I almost felt like I had the moment stolen from me.

I remembered seeing the first tiny fetus when I held it in my hands. Back then, I couldn't have been more than eight weeks along. It was odd but fascinating now that I was able to get past the trauma.

I was considered a high risk pregnancy seeing as though they never found out the exact cause of the miscarriage. I was still fixated on the image of the pea sized person inside my body. I was totally and completely drawn in and amazed by the fact that in only a few short months, this would be a seven or eight pound baby that would be half of me and half of Danny. I hoped for a boy. Seeing the tiny embryo on the screen flooded my mind with endless possibilities. What would we name him or her? Would they have my black hair and brown eyes, or would they have Danny's blonde hair and gray eyes? Would they sleep through the night? Would they be a huge baby or would they be so small that I would be afraid to hold them? An even bigger question was, would they even like me?

"Shit is gonna get real from here on out. Buckle up kid," Mom said as she patted my back. She was right. As much as I hated to admit it, she was definitely right. It was time for me to grow up and learn how to be a mom....."I still can't believe you're pregnant. Being who you are and all the shit you've been through, I thought we'd never see this day," Mel said, still in shock."I know. She, I mean the baby is killing me," I said correcting myself halfway through my sentence. "It's going to be a girl. Girls steal their mother's youth," Jamie said. I noted the way my skin looked pale and washed out. I could hardly keep anything bad and I thought that I probably looked like the Crypt Keeper.

All three of them wore wide smiles and they were happy for me. That was a relief. They were extremely caring and supportive of me last year and even a little protective."Thank God I don't have to go through this alone," Rachel said as she rubbed her little baby bump in a circular motion."You say that now and when school starts back, everyone will swear up and down that we have a pregnancy pact going on," I said as I rolled my eyes. The news would spread around the county fast and we would both be the topics of discussion when we set foot into Mount View High in a few weeks. "Fuck em," Rachel replied, shrugging her shoulders.