Rebel

Chapter 29: Valentine

The roads weren't icy, but it was only my third time behind the wheel of his vehicle. Usually, I would have been too terrified to even sit in the driver's seat, but I didn't want to cut my time at the hospital with everyone short. I was actually surprised when Danny willingly handed over his keys. The Malibu was his pride and joy, so I didn't need any more reassurance that he truly loved me.

The events from the last few days flashed through my mind. I couldn't believe that I was the person that I had become in just a few short months. I was still shocked by the fact that I would change a whole lot more in the next few weeks. I couldn't believe that Rachel and I were even pregnant to begin with. Deep in my heart, I prayed and prayed that they wouldn't do half of what we did. Especially me. I knew that I would never be able to forgive myself if I allowed my daughter to experience everything that I did growing up. It was hard for me to even show Danny how much I loved him at times. I never knew what it was like to see my parents so in love with each other until I became a teenager and even then I was never home. I was trying to avoid the two of them by any means necessary. Our relationship was fine now, but neither of them were there when I needed them.

They weren't there for me emotionally and mentally like I needed them to be when I was trying to figure out the world. I couldn't put Fauna through that. It would be impossible for me to ignore any sign of heartbreak or loneliness that she could be going through. Sure Danny had family problems, but at least he and Ryan had each other.

It was strange how you could be so in love with someone that you've never met. You carry them inside your body, wanting to protect them from every single ugly thing that was going on in the world. You want to keep them from people who would hurt them or make them sad and make them cry. What I was most thankful for was being able to have Danny the entire journey. It was scary as hell to imagine going through all of this by myself and if things would have turned out differently last time, then I would have been alone for sure.

But, Danny was right. I needed to let go of what happened with the last baby. All of the anger, fear, and guilt that was built up inside of me from that point in my life was hurting me even more now when it shouldn't have even mattered. Dean was only able to control me because I let him. The memories and nightmares consumed my life totally and completely and some days it was hard to even get out of bed. One morning, the nightmare had been so terrifying that it had literally crippled me for a whole three days. I had talked to Bre about domestic violence and if it could cause nightmares later on and she said that it could have just been my way of coping. I was trying to repress every single memory throughout my day and then it would eat me alive at night.

Thankfully, Danny understood completely. He knew what I went through from the moment I had been admitted into the hospital after the miscarriage, up until now when my life had completely turned around. I smiled at the thought of how happy he made me. He did get on my nerves at times, but since we made that choice to be together, any hatred or anger left in my heart had completely vanished.

There was no need for me to drink to forget everything that had happened to me and I didn't need people to feel sorry for me because of anything that I went through. I loved him because from the very moment we met, he saw the real me. He knew what I was like on my good days and on my bad days. He could always tell if there was something bothering me and he was there when I was just too wrapped up in my fears to even function. His jokes whether they were good, bad, or dirty made me feel better and I don't think that I could have done any of this without him. I was anxious to get inside to hurry up and get out of the cold. This winter weather wasn't being kind to my joints. Being pregnant made you feel ancient and it sucked because I had to avoid heating blankets and extreme temperatures. My hands would often go numb and ache and I couldn't take ibuprofen for it. My knees would get stiff and lock up and I couldn't take hot baths to ease the pain. I pretty much had to suffer.