Rebel

Chapter 27: Panic Room

I was as giddy as a schoolgirl on the day of Rachel's baby shower. I was a bit uncomfortable riding all the way to Mercer County in the winter time with a seat belt strapped underneath my belly. Yet again, I was shocked by the fact that I was getting bigger and bigger each day. At this point, I probably had my own gravitational pull and I was not happy about it. My back was killing me and I hardly ever slept because of having to pee all night long. Whoever it was said that pregnancy was beautiful needed their face smacked.

I complained all the way there, but Danny just sat quietly with his eyes fixed on the road and held my hand. The ride to Bluefield from Welch was no joke in the winter time. You had two big ass mountains to drive up that were usually covered in ice and if you didn't have some good ass snow tires, then there was no way in hell that you would make it. I was terrified, but Danny assured me that he was skilled when it came to driving in the snow. Plus, Rachel was like my sister and she would never forgive me if I missed out on one of her big days.

"Keep your cool and I promise you, I'll buy you a strawberry lemonade from Sunny Days," he said when we finally made it into Bluefield. My eyes lit up and I was practically bouncing in my seat. Fauna seemed to be excited too because the closer we got to the mall, the more she jumped around inside me. "Thank you baby!" I nearly shouted, grinning from ear to ear. "Youknow I have to spoil my girls," he said happily. "Especially Mommy," he added with a wink. Our sex life had gotten better as well.

Pregnancy was the equivalent to getting mowed down by a coal truck. In the beginning you were sick all of the time and you'd never be in the mood for sex, second trimester you were a cry baby and never in the mood for sex until the very end when you started to get as big as a house, and the third trimester was extremely risky because sex could actually send you into labor. "Were you okay last night?" he asked. It took me a minute to get what he was referring to. A slow smile spread across my face and he placed his hand on my knee and squeezed it.

We were almost there and I was growing even more anxious. There was also this strange feeling in the bottom of my stomach that was telling me that everything might not happen the way I would like for them to go but I ignored it and stared out the window at the small snowflakes swirling through the air. The trees were frozen and bare, extending up toward the sky as if they were trying to reach for their leaves. They looked as if they wanted so badly to have them back, to have everything together again once the Spring rolled around again, only to have it all fall apart all over again. They wouldn't look so sad and depressing if they were fully covered by their leaves. It was like their leaves could have been the happiness that they needed in order to thrive. I felt like I was slowly regaining my leaves. Once Fauna was born, I would have everything and my only hope was that things didn't fall apart and that my happiness wouldn't leave me again. It had only been six months since I had quit drinking, four months since I quit smoking, and seven since me and Danny had gotten together and at this point I honestly couldn't remember a time where I was stuck beating myself up for what happened to my first baby.

Dr. Carter swore that the miscarriage hadn't been my fault at all and that I hadn't done anything that could have potentially caused it to happen. I just couldn't let it go through. I wanted to be so careful with this pregnancy. I would have held her in for a full year if I could. I just couldn't imagine not having her inside my body where I could protect her and make sure that she couldn't be harmed by anyone.

Before my thoughts got too heavy with emotional, we were parking at the mall, somewhere close to the party room where Rachel's shower was being held. "Are you ready for this?" Danny asked with a smile. I nodded my head and put on a fake smile. Hopefully he couldn't tell that there was something bothering me. There was and then there wasn't. Still, I put on an expression that said, "Even if I don't look okay, I am." I had never really been to anyone's baby shower besides maybe one or two when I was little, but those weren't for friends, only older family members that I never even saw except for once or twice a year.