"Oh."

March 27th, 2019

I don't get you.
Maybe I just don't get boys in general, but hell, you're confusing. I have no idea if it was your intention to make us into something after the last one, but that's what happened. And man we're things so good there for a while. Perfect. And then you broke things off.
And then we got back together (unofficially, of course). And then I broke things off, because you wouldn't decide if we were going to be friends or more than friends. And then we got back together (unofficially, once again). You go from distant to close to distant. My head is spinning. You're far from constant. I can't keep doing this. It's literally tearing me apart. I'm ruining myself for a guy who won't commit. For a guy who restrains from affection. From a guy who doesn't know what he wants. And I don't know why.
Once again, maybe I'm better off alone. I can't seem to keep you but I also can't seem to let you go. It's time to let you go.
I wrote you so many songs. Are you worthy? Did you deserve that? You won't listen to them. I don't know why. You just keep pushing me away in every form. I'm done pulling you back. It's exhausting and emotionally draining.
I could have so many other guys. They'd probably treat me 3x as good as you do. The thing is, I don't want them. I want you, despite how things are now. I'm scared the new you won't love me like the old you did. What changed?
I feel like I'm drowning.