"Oh."

July 2, 2019

"Alright so something that pisses me off (probably only because it's late at night but I gotta rant for a sec and I'm sorry if it wakes you up): beginning of last week he was telling me about how he wasn't sure how he was getting to the wedding because his truck is broken down and he wasn't sure if he'd get it fixed before then, blah blah blah, and I was like "well you can ride with me if it doesn't work out, but we'll have to leave fairly early because of the concert" and he profusely, vehemently declined, acted like it was a terrible idea. And then yesterday when I go to the office, he starts talking about how he has to get his truck fixed because Erin wants to ride to the wedding with him. Now Erin is a girl that lived across the hall from me that's a pre-med major (although she wants to do vet stuff) that spent a good amount of time studying with James for chemistry and biology, and now I can't help but notice how much of a hurry he's in the fix his truck instead of tell her it's broken down and it just makes me think that he probably cheated on me with her too emotionally if not physically and it's boiling my blood. And Erin's a really nice girl, so I know that if she knew he and I were together then she wouldn't do anything, but she may not have known. He may have lied about it like he lies about everything else. How much of a gigantic idiot do I have to be to fall for someone who won't commit? Who is too afraid to be happy that he'll do anything to sabotage his own happiness? I don't even know if he knows that he does that. I gave him so much. I haven't given someone that much since Brandon and I crashed and burned again and now I can't help but feel like I have a great guy who's funny and sweet and actually gives a rip and all I want to do is run away and shut him out and Nick has done absolutely nothing to deserve that. I always thought I was never going to like someone as strongly as I did with Brandon and then I find someone and he's great until he's not and he completely dropped me and kicked me around and left me to emotionally die on my own. How the heck do I recover from that? Because I'm really good at just pressing through and ignoring what I'm feeling and convincing myself I'm okay but then I slow down and I breathe and it's all I think about and I absolutely hate it with every fiber of my being because it just reminds me of something that was fake that I can never truly have again. I always thought that Brandon was just puppy love and I told myself that when I met Isaiah and didn't feel as strongly about him as I thought I should have and then freaking James comes along and I realize it's not just puppy love, it might be some weird obsession-type extreme love (at least for me it feels that way) but I would've done anything for Brandon and anything for James. I might've done anything for Isaiah at first but towards the end, probably not. And the romantic in me is like "yeah go on dates and flirt around a little bit and have fun and be happy and find love!" But the rest of me just wants to push every guy away and keep my head down and accept the fact that it will be a very long time before I ever find that again."

So you really thought I wasn't going to find out? That you kissed her and then didn't tell me about it for three months? That you lied about the details, claimed we weren't together at the time. Bullshit. It was the night of the birthday party I threw you, literally minutes after I poured my heart out to you in song. And you kissed you anyways.
You really are a liar. You really did string me along for months on end, preaching about the importance of loyalty and honestly and then disrespecting me and making me feel like a piece of unwanted trash. Am I unwanted trash?
You cheated. Plain and simple. And then you didn't tell me about it because you knew it would crush me, so we lived a lie the next three months. Wow.
How dare I thought you were different.