all my heart || skz

003

He arrived at about 9:30; just fifteen minutes after I had called him. 

When I opened the door, I wasn't greeted with the Jisung I was used to seeing. His eyes were hooded from lack of sleep and there were streaks on his cheeks from tears, but I could tell he tried to wipe them away. 

"Hey." He said, his voice so small he almost sounded helpless. 

"Hi." I tried to smile, but looking at his distraught state just brought all the memories flooding back.

"Is-um-are your parents home?" He peeked around me and into the living room. 

I shook my head. "No, my mom is at work and my dad hasn't been home in a while." 

"And Changbin?" 

"In his room, blowing his ear drums out." He nodded and we stood their in an awkward silence until I realize why we just stood there like that. "Do you wanna come in?" He nodded and I took a step back, allowing him entrance to my apartment. 

I closed the door and began walking back to my room, Jisung following. He slowed every once in a while, gazing at the pictures hung up on the walls of the hallway. "We were so young and so care-free." I said thoughtfully, staring at a picture of Changbin and I running around in the backyard of our old house. 

"That tends to happen when you move to Genway." I raised an eyebrow, not quite understanding what he was trying to say. "There is just something about Genway that steals your youth and throws it out the window." 

I sighed, but not on purpose, it just kinda left my lips on account of the stories I've been told about Jisung and Felix. It must have been hard for them; they had their childhood's ripped away from them by two bullets. I could barely imagine how painful that must be. 

And just thinking about him made me shake from the emptiness. 

"Come on, I don't wanna bother Changbin." I lie and wave him back towards my room. I open the door to find the room colder than usual. Jisung took a quick look around before closing the door. 

"Wow. Who would've thought that you actually had a room under all those boxes." His attempt to lighten the mood did not go unnoticed, it just hurt to think that the last time I actually saw Felix, the real him, was when we were going through the pictures that were now framed up on the navy walls of my room. "Was he in pain?" 

What followed the question was a horrid, empty silence. It's not that I didn't want to talk about it, I just didn't know how to respond. "No. At least, I don't think so. I really don't know." I watched Jisung walk over to my bed and sit down, the bed creaking under his weight. 

"He wasn't alone, was he? At least tell me that." I shook my head, quick to give him some relief. 

"No, I... I was there when it happened." He didn't respond. "I just wish you could've had a chance to say goodbye." His sad eyes looked up to meet mine, which were already brimmed with tears. But his eyes. They were so cold and it wasn't hard to tell that he had put the wall I had tried so hard to break down right back up. 

"I did." His eyes flickered to my window with its curtains pulled back, revealing the bright moon, it's reflection dancing in his dark eyes. "That one day, when he came running out of the hospital to check on you. I said all I needed to say." 

"That can't be true. He was your brother, Jisung. You can't end it with a lie."

He scoffed. "What are you talking about?"

The attitude in his voice scared me, but I was tired of swallowing my words, I was tired of keeping my mouth shut. "The last thing you ever said to your brother, your own flesh and blood, was a lie."

He put his head in his hands and groaned. "God, Y/N, who cares?"

"I care, Jisung! I care. Felix cares." His eyes returned to my tear covered face, his hands falling into his lap. "You might not want to admit, but you know. We care, Jisung. We have always cared. I-There were nights when I could hardly sleep because I didn't know where you were or if you were okay. Caring about you is the biggest pain in the ass, but-"

"Then why do you? Why are you still standing here when you can catch the first bus to god-knows-where? Why don't you just get the fuck out of this town?"

I tried to hold back the tears that kept spilling from my eyes. "I don't know."

"Exactly! So, just-"

"But I do know that I love you, Jisung." I couldn't gain enough courage to look at him. "The same way I loved Felix, maybe even more, and there is something inside of me that doesn't want to let you go." I wrap my arms around myself, as if to shield myself from the world around me. "I never wanted you to come over, I was afraid of what I might do. When I'm around you, I'm never really myself and I no longer have control of my words. But we both lost someone, Jisung, and in the midst of this grief that we feel, we don't deserve to be alone." My eyes flicker to his just for a moment, but I couldn't bare to face that blank, grey wall anymore, so my gaze fell to the floor. 

"What did you say to him? When you were visiting him today?"

A sad smile spread across my face. "Everything I never got to say, but there is still so much I want to tell him." Not knowing whether my body could stand the weight of the emotions I had put on it, I sat down on the bed, next to him. "It's weird. Everything was so much brighter when he was here, but now the world just seems so...."

"Dull?"

"No." I shut the plain word down immediately. "Just kind of empty. Like, whenever I go out onto the fire escape, I always expect him to be out there, writing in his journal."

"But he's not."

I shake my head, a tear falling onto the wooden floor. "He's not and, now, I don't know what to do."

"Jesus, Y/N. You act like everything revolves around him." He rolls his eyes. 

"Doesn't it? He's the reason I met you Jisung, he's the reason I fell in love, he's the reason I ran into that god damn house, knowing the it was going to collapse at any second. Ever since I moved, everything has been him." I take a deep breath. "And it feels weird not having him here."

"To me, it sounds like you could use a break from Felix. You can't let him control your life, Y/N. The only person who gets to do that is you." He stands up, crossing his arms over his chest. "Get out of this house, Y/N. Go meet some guy at some charming cafe. Live the life you are meant to live, not this one."

He crosses the room to the door. "What's wrong with this life?"

He doesn't even turn to look at me as he says, "This one won't end with happy ending."