all my heart || skz

004

There was a funeral about 5 days later. 

It wasn't a very big funeral; it only consisted of Felix's family as well as other residents from our small apartment building, including my family. Changbin stood next to Felix's mother, his eyes closed and listening intently to Felix's father, whose whole speech was built on lies. 

I couldn't bring myself to stand along side them, I knew too much to pretend like everything they did to him wasn't that big of a deal. I also knew that if I somehow managed to convince myself to stand down there, I wouldn't be able to keep my unstable emotions hidden. 

So, I stood about fifty feet away, watching as the coffin began to descend into the ground. But, even as I stared at the tear stained cheeks of Felix's mother, I felt nothing; no guilt, sadness, anger. I felt numb. 

And it felt good, like my mind was finally at peace. But there was still a single thought that lingered. A single thought that kept repeating Jisung's words over and over again. 

"This one won't end with a happy ending."

He always managed to do that; get the last word and it always ends with him closing me off again. I somehow managed to convince myself that I want nothing to do with him. That he meant nothing to me. 

But, if that was true, why did my heart stop when I couldn't find his familiar face among the crowd of pale skin and black get-ups? 

"How did you know him?" A cold voice speaks up from behind me, causing me to flinch from the sudden loss of my thoughts.

I take a quick look from over my shoulder. A man in a black suit stands behind me, leaning against the trunk of a tree with his golden hair hanging low in front of his dark eyes. His hands were stuffed into the pockets of his pants and his tie hung lazily along his neck , untied. 

I turn to face him, crossing my arms to protect myself from the cold that whipped at me through the layers of my dress. "Don't tell me you're his girlfriend." His eyes met mine and I could finally see the pool of melancholy that they held, and it caused a shiver to shoot up my spine. And though his eyes held nothing, his voice showed a slight sense of humor. Which felt odd against the sad atmosphere that had settled over the graveyard. But the oddness felt oddly relieving.

Not being able to stand his stare any longer, I shrug and take a quick glance at the depressed faces of the people that surrounded Felix's bed of dirt. "Something like that."

"Huh. Didn't strike me as the girlfriend type." This caused me to look back at him, only to find his eyes have locked on something behind me, but beyond the funeral. 

"He wasn't." He eyes snapped to meet mine, but for just a brief moment before they began to examine the features on my face. "And you? How did you know Felix?" He sighed and pushed himself off the tree, walking over to stand in front of me, but still not making eye contact. 

"I was his doctor at the hospital."

"So, you're only here because you feel like you are obligated to be?" 

He shook his head and brought a hand out of his pocket to run it through his hair. "No. I'm here because he's supposed to be. I feel obligated to feel guilty."

"You aren't the only one." My gaze drifted towards the woods, almost dreamily. "He was so shy and quiet, but he opened up to me. He told me things he told no one else; he told me about his brother and the girl he once loved. But what I did with that information was a waste." I sighed. "He was so caring."

"I have no doubt. I only wish I could have gotten to know him better." All I could do was nod because I wish I did, too. "The name is Bang. Bang Chan." I stared down at the hand he had extended before looking up to meet his melancholy eyes. 

I took his hand with caution, but shook it with a tight enough grip to let him know that meeting him meant something to me. "Seo. Seo Y/N." His hand was cold and, though it was a cool autumn day, it wasn't cold enough for his hands to be like they were. But I kept my thoughts to myself.

"It is unfortunate that we had to meet under these circumstances." He searched my eyes for something, keeping my hand in his grip. 

I nodded and turned to look at Changbin. A tear was sliding down his cheek, his lips set in a tight line. And, suddenly, I felt like crying too. "Why?"

I could see him look over at me, out of the corner of my eye. "Pardon?"

I shook my head angrily. "There are over a billion people in the world and, out of all people, he is the one who gets hurt. He is the one who gets his dreams shot down and is forced to give up." I turned to look at Chan, my tears on the verge of spilling. "Why didn't he fight?"

Chan's ice cold features never shifted, but he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a hug. "It's what the world does, Y/N. It will take, but you can not let it win." I hear a sad chuckle escape his lips. "And, as for Felix, he fought so hard. He wanted to see you, everyday, all the time. He really cared about you, Y/N. He cared so much that he fought for you, but he lost. And that's okay."

For the first time in a while, I felt something. 

And I hated it. 

It hurt. So much. Much more than it was supposed to. I missed him. More than anything. 

And I found myself missing the things we never got to do even more.