all my heart || skz

006

This was not the plan.

None of this was part of the plan. 

I just wanted to cope, alone. 

But I left and I don't know why. 

I didn't want to, but I did it anyways. 

And now, I am standing in front of the Hillmore Cemetery gate. 

It was pouring down rain, the blue sky covered in dark grey clouds. 

Perfect timing. 

I was cold. I was shaking. I was scared. And I don't know how to turn it off. I wanted to. More than I ever wanted anything. I was sick and tired of being scared all the time. 

It was time to run and never look back. It was time to jump off that cliff and face the consequences. I wanted to forget everything. 

And, for a while, I did. But now I'm hurting again and all I wanna know is how to make it go away. Well, how do you kill the evil that inhabits your body. 

You kill the evil at it's source. 

So, I slowly push open the gate and  take a step onto the dirty, gravel trail. One foot at a time, I descend down the hill, the gravestones surrounding me begin to taunt me. 

It's almost like they know. 

But how could they. They weren't alive. They will never be alive again. 

Just like Felix. 

And that was okay. Everything was going to be okay. 

That's what I hoped. But I don't have time for hope anymore. 

I don't have time for anything. 

My every second is spent missing him. 

Even walking now, I realized, it was for him. 

Jisung was right.

And I hated it. 

Everything was Felix. 

Everything I have ever done and anything I will ever do, will always be for him. There will never be a moment when I am not missing him. I need to learn how to accept the fact that his is gone and that he is never coming back. 

I need to get my life back.

But when I see him. 

The other one. 

God, no. Why would I say that?

He was never an other. Neither of them were ever an other. They were just them.

But when I see him. 

Jisung. 

I know I can never get my life back. At point or another I will get over Felix's death, but there will always be Jisung and I can't change that. And I can't change the way I feel about him. 

How do I feel about him?

I care for him, yes, but is it more than that or am I trying to replace Felix?

Now that I think about it, did I even love Felix the way I think I did?

"What are you doing here?"

Did I say that?

"What do you think I'm doing here?" Jisung wipes the tears from under his eyes. 

"Sorry. It's just-"

"I know, Y/N. Changbin called me the other day, told me you were acting weird. He thought that maybe, if you talked to me, I could help you." He never looked up at me. 

"And you never came to see me?" My eyes stung with anger. 

"What would I have said if I did decide to come see you?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe, 'Hey, Y/N, I know it's been a while, but I heard you're having a rough time. Are you okay?'" He rolled his eyes, only fueling my anger.

"You're not the only one going through shit Y/N." He finally looked at me, but all I saw was the same wall as before. "I lost my brother. You lost a friend, barely a boyfriend."

"I cared about him more than you ever had, Jisung! You blamed him for all your parents death when it wasn't his fault and you know it! I cared for him and comforted him after you hurt him over and over again." 

"You know what, Y/N?" He pushed himself off the muddy ground. "You always act like you know everything, when you don't know shit. You do not know the things that I did for-"

"You didn't do anything for him! Your parents did. They were so caring and took him in. They were amazing people, they would be ashamed at what their son has turned into."

He let out a bitter laugh. "Oh, you are not pulling the parent card on me. You do not wanna go down that road."

I didn't, but I did anyways. 

"You blamed all your problems on your parents death, therefore putting all the weight on Felix. No wonder he wanted to kill himself!"

Silence. 

Regret.                         That was the first thing I felt. 

Jisung's eyes began to turn red, the same color they were earlier. "Y/N..."

I closed my eyes and cursed myself. "I am so sorry, Jisung. I didn't mean it."

"Yes, you did. And that's okay. You can blame me all you want and I have no doubt that part of it was my fault, but do not pretend like you weren't part of it too, Y/N. You're not as innocent as you think you are." 

I opened my eyes just in time to watch a tear fall down his olive skin. "We are in this together, whether you like it or not. No, I am not perfect and definitely not nice, but I would never intentionally hurt Felix. Never. I loved him like his was my own flesh and blood. Yes, I did blame him for my parents and part of me still does, even though I know it is wrong." His face began to turn red, from either anger or sadness. "I am only human. That is all I will ever be and that goes for you too, Y/N."

"Jisung..." A sob escaped my mouth and for a second, I saw that wall come down. And then, it was right back up, but not before he pulled me into his arms, his hand resting on the back of my head. He was holding me and it was different. 

Normally, I would feel relieved and protected, but something wasn't right. I didn't feel right in his arms. I felt like                    I didn't want to be in his arms. 

So, I pushed him away. I tried to make it look subtle, like I was finally okay to breathe again. Jisung looked unconvinced and, for a second, I was scared he could tell. So scared he could see my secret. 

But I didn't have any secrets. 

I never had secrets. 

But I do now. 

And there is nothing I can do to change that.