all my heart || skz

012

"Hyunjin? Your therapist? Don't be ridiculous." Changbin stares at me in disbelief. "Hyunjin hasn't even finished school, why would I trust him enough to evaluate your health?"

Hyunjin stares at Changbin, my brother not even taking notice of the hurt in his eyes. "Hyunjin is the assistant of a very popular therapist." Changbin goes on. "Hyunjin convinced him to help you out, like Mom wanted, and I convinced Hyunjin to stay with us. I thought knowing Hyunjin trusted this doctor might make you more comfortable with the idea."

"Trust me, Y/N." My eyes flicker to Hyunjins. "This guy is the best of the best, I wouldn't let him treat you if he wasn't."

I pinch the bridge of my nose, feeling a head ache rising from the stress building up in my chest. "Okay." I let my hand fall dramatically to me side, my palm smacking against my thigh lightly.

"What?" The look Changbin was wearing made me uneasy.

"If you guys think doing this will be good for me, then I'll at least give this doctor a shot." I walk past them and into the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with cold water.

"Well, alright." Changbins voice gets louder as he grows near. "You have your first appointment at the hospital tomorrow."

I pause just before I took a drinking. "The hospital?"

Silence.

The only noise that can be heard are Changbins light, hesitant breaths and the cars outside.

How lucky all those people are.

They will never know the pain of losing someone.

They will never know the guilt that comes with being the cause of another's destruction.

"Yeah, that hospital." It's obvious that he's not to fond of the place either. "If you want, I'll have him meet you in a park or cafe somewhere."

I force myself to take a drink, but swallowing was the more difficult part. "Maybe Blondies?" He suggests.

I turn to face him, a forced smile plastered onto my face. "Yeah, sounds good." With the glass in hand, I push past my brother and walk back towards my room.

"Where are you going?" Changbin grabs my arm, stopping me from taking another step.

I give him a weak smile. "To sleep; all this excitement has me exhausted, besides I want to be fully rested for my appointment tomorrow."

Changbin doesn't believe me. How could he? I haven't slept right in a week.

"Let me accompany you, then." Hyunjin stands up suddenly and closes the distance between us until he was right by my side.

"You don't have to. I'm just going to my room."

Hyunjin shrugs. "I'm going to my room anyways, I have some school work to do."

What a lie.

It's startling how easy it is for him to lie and how good he is at doing it.

Changbin looks between, clearly suspicious of Hyunjin's sudden outburst. "Okay, I'll be watching TV if you need anything." I give a curt nod of understanding.

"Come on." Hyunjin wraps an around around my shoulders, forcing me to walk at his quick pace to my room.

"What the hell?" I hiss after Hyunjin had basically thrown me into my room. Hyunjin closes the door calmly, as if nothing even happened. "What is wrong with you?"

"What are you so scared of?" He turns to face me, his expression unreadable.

"I-I'm sorry?"

"What is it about getting help that makes you so scared?" He takes a step towards me, my immediate reaction to step back, keeping the distance.

"I'm not scared of getting help, I-"

"Yes! Yes, you are." Hyunjin tries to keep his voice down the best he can.

"Hyunjin, I am not in the mood to fight with anyone, right now." I walk over to my bed, setting the glass on the bedside table with trembling hands.

"Well, that's a first." Hyunjin scoffs.

I whip around to face him, but he was the closer than before, the sudden scene making me stutter. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"All you ever want to do is fight, argue and wallow in this bubble of self pity. It's pathetic-"

There's that word, again.

Pathetic.

Why is it that nothing more than a word can pull away at the thread that's just barely keeping my together.

"-especially when I know that it's become everyday life for some I care about. I know that might be hard to believe, but I want nothing more than to help you become better.

"Better? You say that as if I'm sick." I sit down on the bed, using any excuse not to meet his eyes.

"Aren't you? The Y/N I knew would never let herself be branded as a victim." His feet appear just in my line of sight, on the unclean wooden floor.

The Y/N you knew is dead.

She died in a horrible fire. One that almost burnt down the whole house.

"Jesus, Y/N, say something, please!"

A horrible, horrible fire.

"I don't need help." I try my best to breathe, but it feels like my lungs are about to collapse any minute now.

A fire that took the sun out of the sky.

"How many lives need to be ruined before you admit that you need help?"

It was like all the breath was sucked out of me; every peice of life was ripped from my body.

I felt...

I felt stuck. I felt misery.

"What did you just say?" I use my last bit of strength to look Hyunjin in the eyes.

"Don't pretend like you don't know. You break Changbins heart everyday you don't eat, everyday you lock yourself in here and don't come out for days."

That's the thing about misery that not a lot of people know.

It can build.

"I know about what you did to Jisung, too. You broke the poor guys heart, but he still comes back only to be hurt again and again."

And build.

"Don't even get me started on Fel-"

"Don't you dare say his name!" I stand up to meet Hyunjin face to face, the action surprising even myself. "If that name so much as leaves your lips, I'll throw you out onto the street like the rat you are."

I am no longer me.

The voice talking was one that I couldn't recognize. It was menacing and cruel and ruthless.

"Y/N..." Hyunjin doesn't respond as I had expected. There was no fear or anger; only concern and something I couldn't quite figure out.

I suddenly found myself shaking and all I could do was stare at my hands as my fingers trembled. "I'm sorry. Oh my God, I'm so sorry, Hyunjin." My voice broke and the tears I tried to hold back came running down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay." As much as Hyunjin tried to help I couldn't seem to calm down. But when his hands enveloped mine, I became grounded.

I found myself.

He sat down me down and slid an arm around my waist, pulling me into his embrace.

"Everything's going to be okay."

I want to believe you,
                    but how can I?