all my heart || skz

005

I found it harder to get up in the mornings. 

And it wasn't any better when it came time to sleep. 

My days were always the same. 

Wake up. Sleep. Wake up again. Eat breakfast. Sit on the couch and drift off, as Changbin reads beside me. Eat Lunch. Think about Felix. Think about Jisung. Eat dinner. Go back to my room. Cry. Wish things would have been different. Close my eyes and pretend I'm tired. Stare at the picture of Danny that sits on my night stand. Crawl out onto the fire escape. Cry. Stare at passing cars. "What if I jumped?". Sleep. 

After the third day, my routine was interrupted. 

Interrupted by my mother, who sat on the couch, a book in her hand. 

I walked over and sat beside her, doing as I usually did. My gaze drifted over slowly to her index finger, that tapped against the cover of the book. 

Such a pretty cover.

Such a pretty red cover. 

Such a pretty red, familiar cover. 

"Mom..." My gaze switched between her and my journal. 

"I didn't know you were so into poetry, dear." She sniffed, clearly on the edge of breaking down. "You write such interesting things."

"Mom, can we not talk-"

"No! I am sick and tired of you staying in that god damn room all day! Talk to me, Y/N. Please." A sob escapes her thin lips. "Please, tell me what's wrong so I can help you." 

I didn't say anything, which led to the room being silent for a couple minutes. My mom continued cry, her hiccups and sobs slowly growing louder. 

"This isn't you, Y/N. I want my daughter back."

I didn't answer her.

"Have you read the shit you write in this thing? And I mean, actually read  it."

She skims through the book, shaking her head. "Since when did you turn into this mess?" She threw the book onto the coffee table. "You need help, Y/N."

I scoff. "I don't need your-"

"Not from me. You need professional help. If you're not going to tell me what's wrong with you, then maybe they can hypnotize it out of you or however the hell they want to do it." She stood up and began towards the front door. 

"Mom, are you serious?" I stare wide eyed as she puts her jacket on. 

She looks me in the eyes. "Very. You have an appointment tomorrow at ten. I expect you to be up, dressed and ready to go by nine thirty." She opens the door and steps out onto the dirty floor of the apartment building, slamming the door behind her. 

"I'm sorry, Y/N." Changbin speaks up from the kitchen. I turn to see him leaning on the stove, his back to me. 

"Do you agree with her?" I didn't mean for my voice to sound as small. 

He looked at me over his shoulder. "Of course, not. I tried to convince that if we just sat down and tried to talk to you, like actually talk, things would get better."

"And she didn't believe you?"

He shook his head and turned to face me. "She is as stubborn as ever. If it makes you feel any better, I volunteered to take you." There was a pause when I didn't respond. "I didn't want you to be alone."

More silence. 

"You know, she's just scared. We both are. Danny is already gone, I don't know how much more we can take until we break, Y/N. We are holding ourselves together by I thread." he choked on his words. "I already lost Danny, I don't what I'll do if I lose you, too."

"You're not gonna lose me, Changbin. I have been through a lot these past few months, but I would never do that to you." I refused to make eye contact.

I took a step towards the door, getting an immediate reaction from him. "Where are you going?"

I began to lace up my shoes. "Out"

"Out where?"

"I don't know, yet."