all my heart || skz

010

By the time I woke up, it was almost midnight.

11:47 to be exact.

I could hear the TV in the living room playing some random program on a random channel.

I thought about getting up and checking on Changbin and Hyunjin, but the sight of a glass bowl on my nightstand, still full of whatever soup my brother had made me, sent a wave of guilt through me. And suddenly I wanted to do nothing but sleep and never wake up. Maybe then life wouldn't be so complicated for Changbin
         And it could prevent me from ruining Hyunjin's life, as well.

I don't think I could live with myself knowing I did something that hurt him, whether it would be mentally, physically or emotionally.

Hyunjin deserved better than that.
He deserves better than me.

Still, I could not fully convince myself of that.

Because every time I tell myself I'll break him, I picture his smile, his real smile, and the way his eyes mimic the motion, turning them into crescent moons.

And he always looked so beautiful.

"Oh, you're awake."

Speak of the devil....

"If you're hungry, I can reheat the soup for you."

I didn't know whether I should remain silent, and pretend to be asleep, or engage in a conversation that I knew would either end badly or awkwardly. 

"No, thank you."

The bed dips as he sits down on the empty space behind me. 

"Are you at least going to look at me?"

I shouldn't.

I sigh and turn onto my other side so I can see Hyunjin, who was leaning comfortably against the back board of my bed. 

"How are you feeling?" 

I shrug and pull the blankets closer to my body.

"So, I'm going to guess you don't wanna talk about what happened?"

No                                                  and, if I did, I wouldn't know how.

"Changbin tried to update me on all that happened, but, if I'm going to be honest, he wasn't much help."

Well, it's hard to inform someone about something you don't know anything about.

"For what it's worth, I'm really sorry about Felix."

Felix. 

How could he possibly know anything about Felix?

"I'm sorry about the guy from earlier, too. Changbin said you guys were really close."

Silence. 

"What are you still doing up?" The sudden sound of my voice gave him a start and I can't say I blame him. I didn't realize that the voice was mine until I met Hyunjin's concerned gaze. 

How pathetic I must look to him, right now. I mean, there's no way I'm not. If I feel pathetic, I must look it, right?

And if I didn't, there would be no reason for him to look at me like that. 

Like              I'm not me.      

           He's looking at me as if I'm somebody else. Like I'm a stranger. 

But I'm still me. I'm the same Y/N from last year that always missed the bus. The same Y/N who couldn't put down her phone. The same Y/N who talked too much during class tests. 

I was just forced to face the truth.                         Life does not wait up for anybody. People don't change, life does. And it only gets shittier and shittier. 

He looks away, my body relaxes after finally being released from his intimidating gaze. "I couldn't sleep." He pauses, his mouth hanging open slightly, as if he couldn't decided whether he should continue. "I-um-I kept thinking back to last year, during the last soccer game of the season. You were all dressed up in our school colors, head to toe, and you were the loudest person on the stands. I never could understand why you acted like you did, I mean, you hated sports. But I guess it was just because it was the last soccer game you would ever see at Klent."

He looked down at me, strands of his black hair dangling in front of his sad eyes. "Do you think about Klent? Or think of us for that matter?"

Us. 

Of course, he meant him and Seungmin, but something about the way he said it made me think twice about it's meaning. 

I shrug."Not as much as I thought I would. I've been so wrapped up in what's been going on lately, but, when I think of Danny, I think about you guys. It's kinda sad actually, the only thing that tied me to Kent until now was him." I meet Hyunjin's dark eyes. "I never thought I would see you again."

Without notice, tears began to form, blurring my vision to the point where I was forced to close my eyes before one fell.

"Well, I thought about you guys, all the time." I don't dare open my eyes, too scared of him seeing how vulnerable I've become. "Most of the time it's small things, like a movie or a place. Other times, I will hear someone say something and it'll make me picture you and the way you would say it. I probably sound crazy, huh?"

Actually, that is probably the most normal thing I've heard in the past couple months.

"Hyunjin?" My voice is quiet and muffled by the blankets.

"Yeah?" I feel his gaze on me, but not as intimidating as before. It felt soft.

I lift up the edge of the blankets closest to him, hoping he'll take the invitation.

He stares at the empty space where the blankets once layed and then me, switching his focus between the two.

He takes the blankets from my hand, lifting them up higher before slipping under them. He goes to wrap an arm across my waist, hesitating slightly. When the seconds began to feel to long, I grab his forearm and let his arm fall over my covered form.

The action makes Hyunjin relax and he pulls me closer to him, which I let him do, greatful for the warmth that radiates off of his body. 

"Goodnight, Y/N." Though is voice is only a whisper, those very words seemed to shake the world out of balance, until time became frozen. Just then, it was only me and Hyunjin.

Just like it used to be.

"Goodnight, Hyunjin."