Do you avoid things due to your trauma?
Yes
Do you ever feel safe?
No
Are you afraid they will find you?
Yes
But sometimes...
Sometimes I wake up and hope they walk into my work
Hope to run into him at school
Hope that they speak to me again
Why
1.
Maybe it's so I can yell
Get all my anger and frustration out
Hope that the PTSD will fall out along with it and haunt them instead of me
2.
Maybe it's to show them I'm ok without them
Look at my life it's so much better now
Pretend i got enough sleep
Pretend my mental health is cured
Pretend im good
3.
maybe just maybe
I miss them
Maybe they have a part of me with them and I want to see it again
Maybe I want to feel like that again because on the good days I felt loved
And Nobody ever talks about the good days of trauma
I think the good days are worse than the bad
They treat you so well
Make you feel loved
Make you question if all the trauma they have done to you is just an over exaggeration
You made it all up
Obviously they love you
But the next day it's as if that was a dream
They didn't love you at all
And then when out we dont talk about the good days because we are afraid
Afraid to admit we loved them
Afraid to admit they weren't all bad because maybe then it will invalidate how traumatized I am
4.
Some days I want to see them because i loved them
But while letting them in will bring good days ...I cant forget the bad
So I sit here and wish they would walk in yet I let out a breath I didnt know i was holding when they dont.
Because i miss them
But I'm not allowed to anymore
