I have a journal
And every entry is written like a suicide note
Clearing out a filing cabinet doesn't mean you fix the problem
It only turns the problem into something tangible
It gives darkness a seat at the table
It gives me list of reasons
a love note to the ones who will be better off
And with every word I write
I start to think maybe
Just maybe
I can justify it now
I've organized my grievances
Wrote what needed to be said
Apologized to whenever finds me
Begged god to save me
Calculated that sun would shine a little brighter without me
Every journal entry holds another memory, another attempt, another time I failed
I kill myself with each entry I write
And wake up in the morning to regret every word
But it hurts less than holding a razor blade to my throat
So I write and I kill
Every evil thing inside of me
