Is This What You Call Love?

Chapter Nine

After dinner I excused myself to the bathroom and went upstairs where I knew no one would be able to hear me purging all this ilk up.

((This could be very triggering and or gross you out a lot so please skip this if you don't want to get major triggered or grossed out please))

I went my index and middle fingers with some warm water before opening the toilet seat and standing over it. I quickly shove the two fingers down my throat, causing my gag reflex to kick up. I force myself to cough as my fingers are being shoved down my throat to help get the food up. Moment later I lean over, throwing up a bit of the food in the toilet.

Not enough. I must get more up.

With that I shove my fingers down my throat again, repeating what I had been doing before. Throwing up just a bit more this time. I repeat this continuously until I get all the food up and my fingers are covered in blood from my throat bleeding.

I'm glad to know I can still purge.

I flush the toilet and was my hands before opening the bathroom door to find Chen standing outside it.

Oh shit.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Doing what?"

"Hurting yourself like this. Xiumin don't lie to me. I know you where in there purging. I for one heard you gagging and two why else would you come up here to use the bathroom but so no one could hear."

"I had to do it"

"But why?" Chen pleads knowing he won't get more than a lie from me.

"Look; I've finally lost enoug and am at a weight I actually like and I don't want to go back up"

"What's your weight then?" Chen asks as calmly as he probably could.

"45 kilos" I say quietly

"Xiumin! What the fuck! That is way underweight. You should want to gain weight not lose anymore"

"I'll worry about it when I'm dead" I reply calmly as Chen continues to freak out.

"You see that's the thing. You actually could die from this"

"Chen calm down. I've been dealing with this disorder for pretty much half my life I always try to recover but eventually I'll relapse. Recovering isn't as easy as it seems. You can't just eat one thing and be fully recovered. It takes a lot of time."

"I know that but...just please try to recover at least. For all of us?"

I sigh "Fine I'll try recovering" I lie to both Chen and myself. We all know I'm not recovering any time soon.

"Thank you" Chen says with a smile. "Now come on the guys are waiting on us downstairs."

Sehun tried to talk to me but I ignored his attempts to talk, so he walked over and started talking to Luhan. I roll my eyes and walk to a part of the floor no ones sitting around and take a seat there by myself until Luhan walks over to me.

"What the fuck is up with you lately!? Usually your so nice and sweet but lately you've just been a dick! It seems you don't give a shit about anything and your starting to get rude about it" He says, his voice quavering a little.

"Because I really don't care anymore! I don't give a fuck about anything at all. Just go back to Sehun since you seem to like him more than anyone" I say, my voice lifeless as my eyes turn to a dark black colour.

Luhan seems taken back a little at this comment and his jaw slightly drops.

"Stop being such a blind douche bag and realize that I don't want to be with Sehun I want to be with you!" He whispers yet at the same time yelled at me.