Is This What You Call Love?

Chapter Seventeen

•| Luhan's POV |•

I sit on the couch waiting for nothing, staring blankly at the wall, my thoughts slowly consuming me as I sit here falling apart on the inside. I hear the front door slowly creak open and instantly look over finding Chen standing in the doorway.

"What's up with Xiumin?" I hear my voice asking without my minds consent.

"He's fine" Chen says his voice dripping with complete lies, he was gone the entire night, his eyes look dead and lifeless, he's not smiling like he always does, he looks sleep deprived and I can see it in his eyes, he's falling apart on the inside.

"Don't lie to me Chen, I know that's not true, I can see it in your eyes. You look miserable, you look exactly how Xiumin does when something's wrong. So I don't want any of your petty lies I want the fucking truth." I snap at him, letting my anger control me. I take a deep breath and quickly calm back down a Chen begins to speak again.

"Fine I'll tell you" I watch as Chen closes the front door behind him and walks over, sitting across from me on the couch. "He's attempted suicide-"

"As I had thought" I cut Chen off and look at him to see his face full of disapproval. "Sorry" I mutter.

"Well actually not exactly though. He had cut himself and then had a gun to his head. He was gonna shoot himself but I luckily got there before he could."

"Whoa, where did he even get a gun?" I ask shock and confusion filling in my eyes and voice.

"I actually don't know but um yeah I'm sending him to a mental place for his health. He's not mentally stable enough to stay on his own once we go off. "

"Have you talked to him about this?" I asked unsure of the whole situation. Chen shakes his head and I roll my eyes. "He won't go."

"Yes he will. I'm going to get him later and I'm taking him without him knowing. Don't try and stop this. It's for his health and well being.

"Well shit Chen don't you get it!? He's been to one before all it did was make him worse and make him fall apart even more. He's better off alone than in a god damn hospital. Stop trying to act like you know him at all cause you don't, you haven't been there for him all these years. He didn't even tell you about any of this! Chen I've know him my entire life I know what's good for him and what's not and if you think I'm gonna let you take him to that damned placed you're out of your fucking mind!" I begin yelling as quietly as I can so I don't alarm any of the other guys.

"Luhan I don't give a fuck I'm taking him, I refuse to let him life through all this shit alone. He needs help and that's exactly what I'm getting for him; do you really think I want to send him to that shit hole? Hell no I don't. I just want to know he's safe and okay while we'll be on tour and such. I just want to know he won't kill himself while we're gone and this is the only way I can!" I hear the anger slowly rising in Chen's voice as he rants on about my .

"Ugh fucking fuck!" I yell annoyance plastered across my face and covering my voice and run upstairs to my room making no sort of contact with Chen.

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I sit on my bed, my thoughts eating me alive as I twist a small thin razor blade between my fingers, debating if I should do it or not. I haven't actually harmed in such a long time but I feel like I need to do it. I just need to have the feeling of a blade pressed against my skin again to release all my anger and everything. To give me relief for at least the moments being.

It's all my fault Xiumin's gone, it's all my fault he almost killed himself again, and it's all my fault Chen's sending him somewhere that'll he'll only break even more. He probably only wants to forget about us and all we had. Everything is my fault. I'm such a fuck up.

I look down at the blade that rests between my index finger and thumb. I grasp a better hold on it and pull my arm out to stare at my bare forearm that only has a few small, faded scars from major incidents of when I was younger. I move my arm closer towards me and place my small blade onto my skin and with one swift movement I slice my skin open, nothing deep just a small cut that'll fade and be gone within a week.

I feel my wrist slightly begin to burn as it slowly drips a small amount of blood out. I slowly add another cut a few inches below the first one, this time pushing down more and making a slightly deeper cut. More blood spill out of this one but it's still not enough. I need more blood, more pain, more scars, I need more.

I continue to add three more cuts down my arm, each being a few inches apart and slowly making them deeper as I go down. I watch a the blood slowly spills from these five cuts and onto my arm and bed sheet.

I could finish this by covering my forearm in small cuts and choosing life over death. Or I could easily choose death with one deep slice to the vein. I could go to a peaceful place, away from this shit hole where I'll just be miserable for my entire life. I could finally be in hell. Heaven's full and I wouldn't deserve to go there anyways, not after all the shit I've done. Hell would be better than here anyways though.

I hold the blade on my skin over top of my vein, about to slice it open when I hear the door open. But that doesn't stop me. With shaky hands I press down as deep as I can and slowly begin to slice my skin apart, leaving a gaping line across my wrist as blood instantly spills out at a much quicker pace now. I hold the small blade to my neck, about to press into my throat and slice it open.

"Luhan no! Stop!" I hear a familiar voice crying out to me causing me to stop and look up to who was screaming at me.

((Authors Note))

Hmmmmm who do you guys think it could be?? Comment who please cause I wanna see if any of you can guess correctly.

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Okay so aside from all the author stuff I'm gonna get personal right now. So I'm like really happy tonight and I don't think anyone could change my mood at the moment. So I've liked this guy for a while now and today I finally found the balls to ask him out. ((i have a fear of rejection so it makes simple things like making friends and this stuff much harder for me)). But today I asked him out and it's official I finally have a boyfriend. This makes me so happy tbh and idek why.

But um yeah anyways sorry for such a short chapter I wanted to add more while editing but I also didn't wanna add too much random, unimportant shit. So yeah. That's its for now live you buh-byee.