Home is not a Place

41• Coward

AJAX

"You can't blame this on her." Ethan's words flow into my ear as my back muscles tighten. "She's just a good person who was trying to help."

"Did we ask for her help?" Anger flourishes in my tone. "She almost got my brother killed, man. I can't believe you're defending her."

"Ajax-" this one word is all he can get out because I frustratedly hang up on him.

Every single awful feeling I have ever felt is mixed together in my stomach, circling and circling around like an endless whirlpool. I wish I could run to the restroom and vomit it all out, but I know the pain is deeper than that.

I rub the bridge of my nose.

If my brother would have died, I would've killed myself.

No doubt about it.

I didn't tell Vanessa that. She'd end up diagnosing me with some shit when all it is is strong brotherly love.

I turn on my heel, prepared to keep my expression as hard as steel, but when I face the room, I see my brother's brilliant smile.

I rush right through the open doorway and am embracing him within mere seconds. I hold him so tightly he wheezes. I look up to see if he is okay, and a reassuring smile is placed on his lips.

"Shit." Tears suddenly stain my cheeks, and embarrassed, I bury my face in his chest. "You would never believe how happy I am to see you smile."

Everything inside me is changing, and it's overwhelming. The awful feelings drop from my stomach like they were never there. Joy, love, gratefulness, relief, and thousands of other amazing emotions roll in waves over me, bringing warm tears to my eyes.

I just want to pick him up and hold him above the world like he's Simba off the Lion King.

"No, shit." He sounds like he is suffocating, so even though I'd rather not, I let go.

He chuckles. "How long have I been out?"

"Only a day." Vanessa informs him smoothly, and I send her a look.

"Can you just give my brother and I some time alone?" I ask her, but my tone is more demanding than questioning.

Her mouth snaps shut, her jaw clenching. She looks like she is about to argue, but Felix steps in. "She can stay in here."

"No. I'd like some time alone with you." I repeat, staring down Vanessa.

She holds my gaze for a moment, standing up to me for as long as she can. After a minute or two, though, her caramel eyes fall to the floor.

"Sure thing." She says, retreating from the room. She shuts the door softly behind her.

"What happened?" Felix questions, an eyebrow lifted.

"You don't remember?" My insides twist.

"No, I do. I meant between you and V." Felix asks, wincing as he gradually gets in a sitting position.

I glare at him. "She almost got my brother killed."

Felix frowns. "What?"

"She's the reason you didn't pull the trigger right away." I am almost yelling now. Nobody is on my side. And my own brother is looking at me like I just came from the loony bin.

"No," Felix rests a hand on his stomach. "I chose not to. That was my decision. Don't blame her for that."

"And how did you make that decision? Huh?" I throw my hands up. I shove them toward the door. "She influenced you. She made you feel guilty for killing people, but that's what we do. That's how we stay safe."