BLACK MOON ⍋ Remus Lupin

Chapter TwentySix - Panic And Pomfrey.

"What are you doing here?" Regulus said, his jaw hanging loose with confusion. His eyes kept flickering towards the Slytherin door as if he was worried one of us was going to get caught. I shrugged my shoulders.

"I'm not sure. I was thinking of Narcissa and ended up here somehow" I truthfully explaining, sighing deeply to try and relieve the tight feeling in my chest.

"She won't come and see you" Regulus splurted out before wincing at his words, instantly regretting them "I'm sorry" he said.

"Don't apologise, I know. I don't know what I expected to happen" I mumbled, shoving my hands into my robe pockets (the robe I quickly threw on top of my pyjamas before leaving).

"Why were you thinking of her?" He asked. His young greyish green eyes were wide, transparently telling me he wanted so much to have a genuine conversation.

He looked so much like Sirius used to; except a shade difference in eyes and for his well maintained curls that were neatly slicked back, in comparison to Sirius' only slightly wavy hair (always unbrushed). They were the spitting image of each other. Their mannerisms the only thing that stops me from going back in time, reminiscing, every time I look at Reggie.

"I miss family, the feeling of having a home I suppose." I smiled sadly, awkwardly punching his arm playfully in attempts to not let the feeling brewing inside me sit so heavy.

"Even Uncle Cygnus? And Aunt Druella?" His eyebrows knitted together as he lightly rubbed the arm I just playfully tapped.

"No, not my parents...I don't think?" I looked down at my restless hands. Not feeling so sure with my own words or feelings.

I missed knowing my place. Hogwarts had shown me nothing but ups and downs and I hadn't even been here for two months yet. It was just coming up to Halloween and it had already felt like forever.

Not knowing where I stood with people meant not knowing how to act or what I can and can't say.

I missed familiarity. The chaos of the school compared to the silence of the big house when it was just Regulus and I...was overwhelming.

Things were so different, I felt myself  forgetting who I was.

How I can eat whenever I want.
How I can sleep whenever I want, as long as I'm quiet past a certain time.
How I can go to the library, the lake, wherever I want to go (when lessons weren't on).
How I can speak to anyone I want, without needing my parents to give me permission to do so.
How I can mismatch my socks, just because, without being told how to dress.

This freedom that I wanted so badly was eating me up alive. It was too much, too soon and all at once.

It felt like being thrown into the deep end and instead of swimming, I'm drowning. I'm drowning in the real life reenactment of  fantasies I used to obsess over and it's a slow death, one where at times you black out and forget your lungs are filling with salty water and your head is beginning to thump with the blood pooling in your skull. The type of death that you forget you're dying until you're reminded you're drowning. You've forgotten you're sinking and you don't know how to swim. Your fingers and toes feel numb, like they're swelling. Your ears start popping, the sound of your blood struggling to pump around your body and your heart keeps shrinking and tightening...and you can't breathe. You can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

I found myself hyperventilating in front of Regulus. Tears I hadn't known escaped, rushing down my face and crawling down my neck. My body was shaking, hot and cold at the same time. Mostly hot. I'm boiling hot.

"I-I'm so so sorry Sirius-" I cried, my mind racing "Regulus! I'm sorry I- you look just like him!" I rushed out without any tact. His eyes looked at me sadly, his smaller hands awkwardly reaching to hold me, not knowing what to do. Patting me like trying to calm a pet.