Monsters inside.

Chapter 8: Whom I'm in love with

Chapter 8: Whom I'm in love with

Remus

After he received Sirius' letter he didn't know what to do. He had no idea. It was hard. So hard. Remus loves Sirius. That was one thing that he was sure of. But there was something else. The problem. Sirius read his letters. Those he sent to Sirius just to get it out of his system. And yes, it worked, at least for a while. But he should never have sent them. How could he be so stupid? It was so stupid. And so unlike Remus. It was crazy. He was a careful person, Remus. But he sent them. Because he needed to tell someone. And who was better than Siri? Yeah, now that he thought about it, everyone. Because Sirius was one of the few people Remus really loved, on of them he really couldn't lose. If he lost Sirius-he had no idea what he would do. Probably kill himself. Because Sirius was the only light in Remus' life. The one thing he was sure of was that he was madly in love with that man. But now, he might have ruined everything. Sirius would leave him. He would think that Remus is some kind of creep. A monster. Someone he couldn't be friends with. Someone he could never love. Something he would never love.
But would Sirius really do that? It wasn't likely of him to. He always made sure to tell Remus he wasn't a monster. But that was before, before he knew everything. Before he knew about the monster Remus really was. And now Remus would lose the one person he loved more than anything. And he couldn't deal with it. And Sirius would tell James, James always stuck with Sirius, so he would leave Remus too. And Peter follows everything James does, and he would leave as well. And then Remus would be back to being friendless. Alone. No one that loved him. No one. Not even any friends. No Sirius. No having the man he loved in his life. But he could never really have Sirius. Because Sirius would understand, Sirius would finally realize that Remus is a monster. Someone you can't love. Someone who doesn't deserve love. A monster more than a human. A werewolf. Sirius would never love him. He would disappear, and leave Remus.

The days went by slow. So slow. It was like his break went by in slow motion. And he didn't know what to do about it. Because he couldn't do anything about it. He just waited for Sirius to walk in and scream at him. Tell him that he is a monster. That he deserves nothing. That Sirius is gonna leave him. And then suddenly, the day was there. The day people get back after christmas break. Remus had panic the whole day. He didn't know what to do. Sirius would leave him today. He would never love Remus. But Remus thought that maybe it was for the best. Remus is a monster. A monster. Out of control. He could kill someone. He had almost done it. And he couldn't..maybe he would hurt Sirius. What if he killed Sirius? Then he wouldn't be able to live with himself. It was his Sirius. The man he love. The man he will always love.

The day went by fast, different compared to the other days. Soon the guys would walk in, along with Sirius. Remus didn't eat anything during lunch. He just sat there and tried to read, but he couldn't concentrate. Sirius would be here soon. And he knew everything. He would tell everyone, and Remus' time at Hogwarts would be over. He would be alone. His family would be destroyed. He would be destroyed. But Sirius wouldn't..would he..? No. He was still Sirius...Even if he left Remus he wouldn't do that. Of course he wouldn't. He wouldn't. He sat at their dormitory and  panicked when the door slammed open. In walked Sirius, the man Remus loved. Their eyes met and Remus wanted to cry.

Sirius

He ran into the room. Remus was sitting there with a shocked expression. Sirius didnt know what to do. So he just stood there. Meeting Remus' gaze. Meeting the gaze of the man he loved. Remus looked down. He knew that Sirius knew.
"Remus." Sirius said softly. There was no reaction from Remus.
"Remmie. Look at me." Sirius said. Remus looked up.
"Look Siri.." Remus said but Sirius interrupted him.
"No. I have to say some things okay? And you are gonna shut the hell up while I do it."
Remus looked shocked but he nodded.
"Thank you. Ehm..I found your letters.." Sirius said.
"I know..." Remus looked down on his hands.
"Don't interrupt me!" Sirius said.
"Sorry.."
"Remmie, why won't you look at me?" Sirius asked, softer again.
"Because I don't want to see your face, when you tell me what I already know, you are gonna leave me. Because I'm a monster."
"Re, shut up please. You are not a monster. Just tell me what happened."
"Sirius.." Remus looked up at him now.
"Remus, you are gonna fucking tell me!"
"No."
"Remus. Tell me."
"But Siri.."
"Fucking tell me now!"
"Okay, okay..ehm.."
"Im waiting."
"So...I just..I couldn't control my wolf. I almost killed my father Sirius. He brought me to the basement too late. Then I transformed earlier than usual and almost killed him. He had to use magic to stop me..and then..all the time during the full moon, i get very..unstable..I would snap for nothing and get really mad. Its like this monster is growing stronger and I just can't control it. It's me. I am a monster." Remus looked straight into Sirius' eyes now.
Sirius felt..sorry for Remus. He had to carry that burden himself. But he was still sure, Remus is not a monster.
"Remmie..oh Remmie..why didn't you tell me?"
"Because..I don't know..I just..didn't want you to leave me.." Sirius looked up at him.
"Why would i leave you?"
"Because I'm a monster."
"Remus, you are not a fucking monster!" Sirius was starting to get mad now.
"I almost killed my father!!"
"BUT HE IS STILL ALIVE!"
"I'M A MONSTER. A WEREWOLF!"
"YOU ARE A WEREWOLF. YEAH. BUT PLEASE LOVE, YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER:"
"AND NOW YOU ARE DOING THAT AGAIN."
"DOING WHAT?"
"CALLING ME LOVE JUST SO YOU CAN CONFUSE ME!"
"I DON'T REMUS. I DO IT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I REALLY WANT TO CALL YOU."
"WHAT? WHY?"
"BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU." It was out. Sirius said it.
"You do?" Remus whispered.
"Yes."
"How could you? I am a monster.."
"You are not a monster Remmie. You are a werewolf. But you are only a werewolf once a month, the rest of the time you are a man. A wizard. An adorable, handsome, smart, nice wizard. Whom I'm in love with."