My Bias Wrecker

t w e n t y s e v e n

Hyung stormed out of the car towards the house.

I was shocked and felt my blood rush after he slammed the door shut. He might run the house down because of that force.

I felt a little guilty even though I have no idea what was Taehyungs problem. Tears started to well up on my eyes and I felt my self shrinking as I enter the unseemingly quiet house.

I could hear rustling from the kitchen. Taehyung must be drinking water or must be fixing something.

I just skipped to our shared room and locked myself in there. I plopped myself in the bed with my face on the pillow.

I can't face him right now. I am too overwhelmed and just can't understand him.

He was reaching out to me in the past days, now he was all to himself. He must have slapped me in the car because of the furiousness I felt around him back then. He must have stopped him self from doing so, but I don't know if I should thank him or what. If he hurt me, maybe I'll know what he was angry about, and there will be a reason for me to cry— not like this, not just because I was frightened by the force he exhibit in slamming the door. Not just because of that terrible kiss he did to me in the car. Anything but those.

Just now, I can't believe him. He was talking to me, and now he's doing what I've been doing to him. Yes I did ignored him, but that's because I hated the way myself acted, and responded to him. I hate him, I know that, but I think I hate myself for hating him.

I'm so confused, maybe those kisses were because I know that I wasn't able to  give it to him before, when my insecure self was trying to puke over his handsome face, over his cute ministrations, and his wonderful self, generally.

Those sweet actions I delivered towards him must be the hidden affection that my insecure self has been hiding and stopping me to show him.

I don't know!

Is this karma?

If it is, then I hate it.

I tried to stop the tears from flowing but they won't stop. I wiggled my legs because of the anger that's welling inside me.

All these things, were still hurting me.

How could Taehyung be like this? I mean, he's never done this to me, ever. He would reach out to me whenever I'm angry to him. He would do everything just so I would notice him. He won't stop even after doing it for days.

Now it has only been 3 days and he has given up. Then why did he told me that he has prepared thousands of hearts for me?  Where are those hearts that would catch me and fall in love with me even if I have pained him countless times?

He must've lied to me.

He just lied.

Or I must've pushed him to the edge.

It must be really my fault.

I just let the tears fall, wet and dump the pillow and blankets under me. There's nothing I can do about them, I'll forget about this day, I'll be okay and let Taehyung be.

If he wants this, then so be it.

We've been together for almost a year now, I couldn't just let that on my way. 1 year being with him is a bullshit. I'll forget about this and just let myself sleep for now.

I woke up and rushed towards the bathroom. I felt my eyes become bigger and must be swelling because of the crying earlier. I fixed myself with a pair of pyjamas after I washed myself. I brought my favorite plush toy and went to the guest room.

I locked it and tried to fix the bed, then I decided to just lie on it. I didn't bother to get myself anything to eat or drink. I just don't feel like eating anything, and I don't think I have an appetite to shove something on my mouth.

The lights were all dimmed and the curtains were all drawn. I went towards the window and sat on the little couch-like-bed there just beside the window. My whole body could actually fit on it but I just stayed and sit. I put aside the curtain and saw the dark sky outside. The birds were not out and nothing could actually be heard than my low breathing. I reached for my phone and airpods that I kept in this room.

I played some music while scrolling on my social media account. There were really no interesting that catch my eyes. So I put down my phone with the music still playing. 

I bent my self and rested my side to the glass looking at the view outside.

The moon was all out shinning the vicinity, and should I say that I was blessed by being able to see it's silver light bouncing on the dark streets.

This view calms me, because I know I need some time to self reflect. I need some time with me alone. Nobody to call, nobody to look at. Just me.

Right, far behind the borders, one day this will all be gone. These distorted emotions, these people, and these feelings.

And I couldn't help myself from wishing it to happen, now.