My Bias Wrecker

t w e n t y

I let out a shaky breath as I shivered.

It was the umpteenth time I felt this, yet I never knew the feeling would still haunt me like a wild boar inside; waiting to be unclasped.

Warm tears rolled down my cheeks as I remember the hideous past I had, never did I know it would still feel like this; haunted, ridiculous, and uncertain.

I felt so much conflicted and confused. Why would something so horrible happened to me? Why would something unforgettable would ever appear in my life? Why did I ever experienced it in the first place?

It was Yoongi-hyung and Taehyung.

One brought happiness while the other one was a menace.

If I didn't met Taehyung, if he didn't saved me in the pool, nothing would ever appear like that in my past. If Taehyung didn't saved me, I could have forgiven Yoongi-hyung, he would probably apologize to me and would definitely hit on me. Yet Taehyung existed. None of my thoughts ever happened; the two of us fell on the pool. And he had to save me.

My parents and his were good friends, he knows me by name just like how I do to him. We didn't really know each other. After he saved me, my parents and his grew closer, my mom would always invite them in the house to give me company.

Then suddenly Taehyung and I have already built a strong bond, a relationship. We've been really good friends, we were together through thick and thin. Everything was perfect for a while, I didn't know he already took me away from Yoongi-hyung.

Someone that was really special to me was taken away. I told Taehyung that I liked Yoongi, but he convinced me that he didn't deserve someone like me. If he do, then he shouldn't have put pressure on the two of us, he shouldn't have rushed things so we could enjoy each other's company. If he deserves me, then he should have saved me. Something that he never did.

I grew mad, really. I wanted Yoongi but my mind says the counterpart. I should want Taehyung. Because he's the one with me. He made me feel things I never felt when I was with Yoongi. I felt like I was something precious, I felt love and wanted. I felt special. He treated me like I was something fragile; thus I relied on him, with everything.

It was something that I couldn't ever compare to what Yoongi-hyung did to me. He treats me well, he gave me everything and helped me with anything. I felt happiness by his side. I also felt loved, wanted and felt precious and special.

But then it was something different, I couldn't explain. It's uncertain but special for me. I have wanted Taehyung with me, forever. I didn't know if it was something that special, but I knew I wanted him so much, only for myself.

Years passed, I witnessed everything, every little thing. He started to like girls, it was okay for me. Our relationship stood well through years. I'm contented to be his friend. But I noticed him being clingy  sometimes. It wasn't a big of a deal, though. He was still a friend in my heart.

He got himself a girlfriend when I turned 16. She was beautiful. She wasn't his first girlfriend but I think Hyung really likes her. I never get jealous of her, maybe in some instances, but it wasn't something like I wanted Taehyung away from her. But then she said she'll have a vacation in Europe. She wanted Taehyung to come with her. Taehyung told me about it. I was sad that day. He didn't give her his answer yet so I became confident that hyung would stay with me. Mom has to go abroad with Dad. I had to stay with Grandma but she's also quite busy with her own business. I needed someone who would stay with me that time. It was winter, my favorite season came but he wasn't with me. He chose his girl.

I tried to grab the bottle of water in the floor but then I wasn't able to reach it and I stumbled on the floor.

I met the cold ground and I shivered. Suddenly the door swung open and I saw Taehyung. The pain I felt from falling was nothing compared to wrath I felt after I saw his face.

It was the same face he showed me when he saved me from when I was drowning. It was the same face I never knew I would loathed so much.

He walked towards me and helped me to sit up. "What's gotten to you, Saera?!" He asked me with a worried expression.

My trembling hands tried to escape from the contact and pushed his hands away. "Don't touch me, p-please." I told him as I curled into a ball.

I embraced my knees and hid my face from him. I felt wrath but I was scared. I knew I looked wretched and I seemed so  pathetic, nevertheless I never think I'd ever be better.

"Saera, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" He asked while I was trembling. He sounded like he was worried but I wasn't sure.

Something inside me realized everything. In the back of my mind, deep in my heart, I wish I never accepted him. I should have chosen Yoongi over someone who wouldn't really stay by my side. I should have chosen someone who wouldn't hurt me and come back with a wedding ring in his pocket to slip in my finger when I never asked him to do so.

I loathed myself and hyung. So much. I've hated every part of the past. I should have given myself to Yoongi. I shouldn't have jump to the pool. I should have save myself than have Taehyung save me. I should have called out Yoongi and reached for him that day. I shouldn't have gotten close to Taehyung. I wish I never wanted him.

Suddenly he gripped my arms and shuffled me to face him. I was taken aback from his actions. "S-st-stop!— don't touch— don't please." I cried again.

I tried taking my arms from him, I tried to push him but he won't let go. "Just fucking tell me what happened!"

"You happened to me! You did this! You're in blame for this!" I shouted and tried to get away from him. His grip on me was strong but his expression softened.

"Wha— I don't understand Sae. What do you mean?"

Fragments of scenes flashed in my mind but it only made me suffer from the situation.

"I hate you..." I told him. I was histerically crying. It was again a vast of anger, wrath and hideous thoughts that came to me. I wanted to explode but I was unsure of what could happen after. There was only the fact that I can't just accept him, I can't have him if there was something horrible that was existing to the depths of my heart. If he was  to delve in, he might just drown to my anger. I would just be lying to him, and I would just fool myself from ignoring the fact that I don't want him to be hurt. I wouldn't let him feel something so horrible I once felt. I don't want him to feel the same wrath and anger I have inside.

Never did I knew I was shouting at him. I cried and cried. There was nothing I could do, I knew I had to explode, I had to let this out, or else this feeling would never leave me.

"Leave me! Why don't you just leave!"

But I knew I wanted him. I wanted him so bad, when he left me I knew I wanted him than I ever wanted him before.

There was only me who existed in the close- space. I was in the middle of the light and darkness. Just somewhere between the day and night. Somewhere between these feelings, I knew I have to be unclasped.

I wanted to unleash my heart before I could hurt the both of us. Or else I would never have the chance to accept him with all my heart.

"Calm down, Saera! Please!"