Thanatophobia (fear of dying)

Matt

“Well…you’ll probably hate me. Actually yeah, you will for sure hate me,” I bit my lip as I looked over at Elliot’s dubious expression, “And I’ll most likely regret this since it’s an on-the-spot decision and those almost always end up going badly..”

“Please stop beating around the bush,” Elliot rolled his eyes and I ran my fingers through my hair before nervously twisting them together in my lap as I took another deep breath.

“Okay…well when I first met him, Matt was just some guy in my chemistry class….”

I gulped and momentarily closed my eyes, letting myself sink into the memory.

 *

“Hey nerd, can I see what you got for number 1?”

Grudgingly I held over my paper, rolling my eyes in the process.

“And number two, three and four…” He flashed me a winning smile, making me grin widely on the inside.

I mean, hey, who wouldn’t be smitten by the bad boy with a charismatic smile and devilishly good looks?

Yet I remained coy, pretending to be furious that he had the nerve to copy my homework.

“Asshole,” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Jez come on, you know you love me.” He smirked.

I rolled my eyes, pretending that I wasn’t already ensnared by my hormones.

 *

I blinked, trying to snap myself out of it before I got too emotional over the memories.

“A week later we were officially dating, and once that happened we were inseparable. I couldn’t get enough of him, filled with desire and lust, things I’d never felt before in my life. A whole world opened up to me in his arms and it wasn’t until it was too late that I realized I had no idea what I was doing. He was in a gang, but I just smiled and nodded at the bad boy charm, not seeing that the danger was there.

‘I was stupid. I mistook love for infatuation, following Matt around like a lost puppy. The sad thing was, I didn’t even see him for what he really was until after he died. That’s when all of his dirty secrets began spilling out. He was an attractive, older, edgy guy and I was hopelessly innocent before I met him.

“Yet as our relationship wore on he dragged me down into his world. I started doing drugs; I got caught up in the backlash from Matt’s fights.  He convinced me to do things that I wasn’t ready for at all, now looking back on it. But of course I didn’t realize how violent, how controlling he was with me. I didn’t realize that his nice easy-going façade faded away as our relationship progressed. I didn’t realize that he’d been cheating on me on and off the entire time I’d known him. He treated me like shit, but I was…blind.”

I grimaced, and pressed the bridge of my nose as I tried to wipe away all of Matt’s sweet words, his touch from my memory.

How could I have ever been that stupid?

I felt a comforting hand fall on my shoulder, as Elliot began to wrap his arms around me, holding me close to his chest.

“What a bastard,” he muttered under his breath.

“Yeah…” I sighed, as tears began to prick my eyes.

“You know I’d never do any of those things to you, right? Not all guys are like Matt.”

“I know,” I murmured, sniffing and wiping my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” his grey eyes burned into mine so that I couldn’t force myself to look away. Finally I gulped, breaking the spell.