Adventurous Adventures of One Direction [script]

really glad liam's able to let his horny side loose after 1d look at him go

[NEW SCENE SHOWS LOUIS LOOKING AT THE MAP, STANDING OUTSIDE A HOUSE IN THE MARMATIAN SWAMP]

Louis: Okay, this must be it. (knocks three times on the door)

[THE DOOR SLOWLY OPENS AND WE SEE THE FAINT OUTLINE OF A PERSON, THE EYES BEING THE ONLY REALLY VISIBLE THING. THE DOOR STOPS OPENING FOR A BIT BEFORE BEING OPENED A BIT MORE]

Person Inside House: Who goes there?

Louis: It is I, Louis of One Direction.

Person Inside The House [steps outside the house and becomes Person Outside The House]: Greetings. I am Sir Paul.. Of the Beatles.

Louis [gasps]: And Wings!

Sir Paul: EeeeEhhh, the Beatles.

Louis: I am in need of your help Sir Paul. Pussycats all over the land have been captured. Legend has it that you hold the key to retrieving them.

Sir Paul: Ahh, I know what you're looking for. Now that, I haven't used in a long time... A long time.

Louis: What? What is it?

Sir Paul: What you seek... Is the Pussy Magnetᵀᴹ.

[SCENE SHOWS A DOOR WITH THE SIGN 'KEEP OUT' ON IT. IT'S OPENED TO REVEAL A MAGNET ON A DEVICE WITH A MICROPHONE ATTACHED]

Sir Paul [voice over]: Behold.

Louis [voice over]: Nice!

[CAMERA NOW SHOWS SIR PAUL AND LOUIS IN THE ROOM, STANDING NEXT TO THE PUSSY MAGNETᵀᴹ]

Louis: Soo, how do you turn it on?

Sir Paul: One does not simply 'turn on' a Pussy Magnetᵀᴹ. It is activated by a series of tones. You know like, the key in the He-Man movie.

[LOUIS STARES AT HIM]

Sir Paul [grabs the microphone from the Pussy Magnetᵀᴹ]: Allow me to demonstrate. (starts singing) Well she was just seventeen! You know what I mean! And the-

Louis [cutting him off quickly]: Woahwoahwoahwoah Paul, what DO you mean?

Sir Paul: I don't know, John wrote that bit. (goes back to singing) And the way she looked, was way beyond compare.

[AS SIR PAUL SINGS, SIX DOTS ON THE PUSSY MAGNETᵀᴹ START TO LIGHT UP, EACH IN ORDER AS SIR PAUL CONTINUES TO SING]

Sir Paul [still singing bb]: So how could I dance with another?? wOOOOᵒᴼᵒᵒᴼᴼᵒᵒᵒ!!

[THE SIXTH DOT ON THE PUSSY MAGNETᵀᴹ LIGHTS UP WHEN SIR PAUL HITS THAT NOTE, AND IT STARTS TO SHAKE. A THING OF ENERGY GOES BETWEEN THE TWO ENDS OF THE BIG MAGNET ON THE TOP OF THE PUSSY MAGNETᵀᴹ, THEN IT SHOOTS OUT AND GRABS A FUCKING CAT FROM SOMEFUCKINGWHERE]

Cat: MrOw.

Louis: Woah, that really works!

Sir Paul: Hitting the high note at the end is the key.

Louis: Well I'll try. Though I bet Harry could hit it. 

Sir Paul: Harry? Is he a friend of yours? 

Louis: Yeah. Or, we used to be. We had a bit of a falling out. 

Sir Paul: Well you know you can't pull this off on your own. It's like I've always said, 'I get by with a little help from my friends'.

[PAUSE]

Louis: I thought that song was about drugs though?

Sir Paul [immediately shushing him]: Shh!