The Path I Crave!

Chapter 19

Chandni

Right now I hate myself. He was in my bed, but that was never the permission for me to jump on him. I lie still under my blanket pressing my knees into my chest. I want this pain to stop. He saw the regret in my eyes. I never repent making love to him. I regret the situation I put him through. I can't afford to have another baby, not when he is engaged to another woman. I got carried away with his touch and forgot of the miserable time I spent, pregnant and alone. I must keep my hands off him, he is a different man now. As much as I love him, he is not mine.

He is not mine to love, to hold, to kiss, to feel.

I have always taken him for granted. He is always going to be there for me, whenever I need him. My first mistake is to take Adi for granted. I should have cherished him more, loved him more when I had him for myself. I always took his love and care for granted. Ensuring myself that he is always going to come running when I need him.

Mistake! Don't take people you love for granted, cherish them.

Seconds pass into minutes, minutes into hours but I don't move a muscle. The reality stinks, sooner or later I have to face Adi and this time I have to end things with him. Life without him is my truth. I never enjoyed life without him. Without him I'm miserable. Work can take my mind off him because I love my job. Is that enough to stop the pain? Can I live with this ache in my chest?

In search of passion, I let go of one person, I will always love. Irrespective of whether he is mine or not.

I will always love you Adi.

I despise our awkward situation. He is not some random boyfriend with whom I can cut ties. He is family. He is my best friend and one person I confide with or used to. He has been more even when he was my brother's best friend or neighbor. How do I fix it? I still want him in my life. I need him in my life. I'm losing my shit.

'If you are planning to sleep the entire day, I better get going to the office' Rishi says. Great! I have got company. As much as I love my brother, right now I don't even want to see him. I lost track of time and my surrounding.

I slide the blanket and watch Rishi sit on the bed stretching his legs. He broods about me more than he lets on. 'What's the time?' I ask. 'I'm exhausted, lost track of time' I lie. I have been wide awake from 3.a.m. He smiles, that smile says, Oh, I know how much you sleep, so stop deceiving me and yourself.

I place my head on Rishi's lap. Now, I just want his silent promise telling me everything with be all right. He palpates my hair, helping me relax with the silent promise.

'Come on, rise and shine. Let's go out for lunch' he encourages but I want to be here with my brother. Silence prevails between us. He takes my silence as the permission to open his big supportive mouth. 'He is a good man, Chandni' Rishi says persuading me to speak.

'I know' I know Adi is a good man. I wish he wasn't, it would make it easier to break his heart. 'Tell me, how is married life?' I change the conversation to him. I don't want to talk about Adithya.

'Really?' he frowns at change of subject. He understands me too dam perfectly. 'So far so good, First year was hard for both of us. I was more of a brooding brother than a loving husband. Riya, she is amazing. She puts up with my misery, never complains, and never told me to stop daunting about you. She was with me during my most vulnerable and fragile movement, when I missed you' Rishi whispers.

It kills me to watch him vulnerable and weak. I have always been Rishi's inadequacy. I so much regret going away from Rishi and Adi. I did finally find my passion. I love my job, I love everything about it, travelling, delicious food, incredible music, cherished culture, spectacular adventure on the road. I could go on and on. I want the repetition of all of it with Rishi, Riya and Adi. My three favorite people in the world.