In 500... (or less)

A Check with a Comma

Bernie's eyes were glazed as he stared at the check. It had a comma in it. It had been a good year.

"I...I don't know what to say," he stammered. His boss smiled broadly and chuckled.

"You don't have to say anything, Bernie. You earned this. Your department was the key to our company having its best earnings ever."

"Thank you. All the guys deserve a check too. They worked their rear ends off."

"Don't worry, we're taking care of your workers too." He nodded as if to dismiss Bernie from his office, lest he be asked what the grunts were given as bonuses.

Bernie carefully placed the check back into the envelope and gently slid it into his pocket before realizing the cue. He couldn't wait to tell his wife. They could take the trip of a lifetime, or pay off the house, or get a new car. Maybe a couple of those things. Heck, the money was already spent before he had taken a few steps.

The trip home was agonizing. Elderly drivers came out en masse, creeping along the thoroughfares in blissful ignorance of the raging drivers around them. Red lights were exceptionally long.

Bernie was especially keen on surprising his wife with the check, it wasn't every day he brought home $15,000. He already pictured the scene in his head: He'd stand behind her and lower the check in front of eyes, positioned perfectly for either a faint or a whirling, yet spectacular, kiss.

She'd fawn and dote on him, praising his work ethic and his brilliance. After all, the bonus was half his yearly salary. That could buy a lot of go-go boots or pillbox hats.

Bernie almost clipped the trash can as he careened into the driveway. He practically sprinted from his car to the door and burst inside.

"Honey!" he bellowed. "Come quick! I've got something to show you."

In the kitchen, Helen rolled her eyes as she set the vegetables she was washing down to answer her husband's beckon. What was it this time? Another ill-conceived get rich quick scheme? Perhaps a poorly-planned pet. Rest in peace, Scruffy.

He rushed through the hallway and to the doorway to meet her.

"Close your eyes," Bernie said, darting around her to get behind her. He put his hand on her shoulder and slowly passed the check in front of her face. "Now open them!"

"What's this?" she pushed his hand away, he was holding the paper too close to be read.

"What?! This is yours?"

"Ours." Bernie smiled, waiting on his kiss. His wife spun around, but she did not look pleased.

"Bernie, you dolt! There are no taxes taken out of this! We're going to owe a fortune!"

Uncle Sam never met a bonus he didn't like.