In 500... (or less)

A Vision of Decisions

Sometimes it's very subtle, other times it's like a punch in the face.

I had a near-death experience when I was 22, the result of a foolish decision while driving my car. I was lucky to survive the wreck. That's when it started.

For the past 15 years, each day I wake up to a different reality. The first time I thought I was dreaming. It took some time to understand what was happening.

Whatever happened to me then, now I awake to the consequences of decisions I never made, paths I could have taken during my first 22 years but didn't.

Sometimes the chain of events are fascinating. I gained a new best friend in one of my realities simply because I chose the green popsicle when I was eight. I never ate the green ones, only the red. Different choices, different outcomes. My friend loved red ones, and I guess there was one left when he came over that day.

If you're confused, you should picture what it's like for me. I wake up one day married to a girl I didn't have the courage to ask out in high school, then the next I'm missing three of my fingers from the time I didn't decide to throw firecrackers with my friends.

Nothing I do now really seems to affect what will happen the next day. I killed myself in prison one day, I woke up a millionaire the next. I still kick myself for not lending that kid in college a few bucks. Then again, I couldn't have known he'd never forget my kindness and track me down years later to give me a return on my investment.

The guilt is tough sometimes. I get to see lives that are completely changed because of mistakes I didn't make. My sister is happily married with wonderful children on many days. It turns out I had many chances to stop teasing her, many chances to keep her from marrying a drunk who beat her.

The opposite happens too, times when I made the right decision, and I get to live out a day when I didn't choose so wisely. I really wanted that video game when I was 11, but if I had decided to pester my mom for it, we would have run out of gas the next day and cost my father the promotion he got a few years later.

I just wish I could pick a life and live from one day to the next. None of the things I do matter anymore, they're undone the next day. 

There are days when I look forward to having it all go away. The kid I didn't beat up in grade school, for instance, living with the guilt of his suicide from the bullying I initiated with that fight was more than I could take.

Maybe you regret some of the things you did, but at least you get to live with them. I'm not so lucky.