In 500... (or less)

Orientation

The group cowered collectively as the dark, imposing figure stepped to the podium. The figure let out a sinister laugh before speaking.

"You all know why you're here," he said.

As if on cue, the group looked at each other. None of them seemed evil or awful, and yet here they were, standing in the presence of the devil himself.

"Before you start blaming others, be honest with yourselves," the Prince of Darkness added. "You earned this. A lifetime of misdeeds, selfishness or outright evil. We do not make mistakes here."

A man in the group started sobbing. Some of the demons cheered. They always took bets on the first crier.

"I...I went to church," he wailed. There was a chorus of cackles from the gallery of demons. Someone always tried to play the church card too. Satan ignored the comment and continued with his address.

"Now contrary to how I'm portrayed in the media," he grumbled, "I am not a guy with horns and a pitchfork set on torturing your eternal soul." A few people in the crowd seemed to be comforted by his declaration.

"I am worse." The demons all chuckled, the boss always told this joke in his orientation speeches, they felt it their duty to humor him with polite laughter.

"You will be assigned your own personal torture, one designed to maximize your suffering," he said. One man in the group seemed to scoff at the suggestion.

"Yes, Mr. Williams," the devil said, addressing the doubter directly. "You'll be watching televised golf for all eternity."

Williams howled in despair.

The devil dryly began to read through his list of rules.

"I should point out, since a few of you will inevitably do it: preaching about the other guy...it really pisses us off. If you think things can't get any worse and decide to go for broke, just remember than I'm evil personified, and I can always think of something."

"What else? Umm, hell is a mercy-free zone. Smoking and vaping are prohibited. Don't touch the thermostat."

He shuffled through his papers to make sure he covered the rules before moving on.

"Some other notes: we do group torture on Thursdays, swimming the Lake of Fire is Tuesdays from 10 until noon."

The people then watched a short orientation video. There were testimonials from weeping former dictators and despots, pits of snakes and insects, and every other variety of horrors people could imagine.

The devil could not help but smile as he watched along, this was some of his finest work.

"That about covers it, folks," he said when the video stopped. "I'll now open it for Q&A."

The group stood stunned at what they had just witnessed, only managing blank stares through teary eyes. Finally, one young man lifted his hand passively. The devil, who mainly was going through the motions in offering to answer questions, didn't notice him at first.

"Yo bud, down here!" the man said, waving his arm. "I've got a question!"

Satan was taken by surprise or else he might have been annoyed by the informality and lack of respect he was being shown.

"Yes," he said. "What is it?"

"Yeah, um," the man answered, holding his cellphone aloft. "What's the Wi-Fi password?"

The devil only chuckled.

"Welcome to hell."