BAD ACTING

ANIMAL PISS

        Michael Dell, talent agent, sixty-two, grey hair, grey beard, and emaciated.

        Mr. Dell lived in a mansion. Michael converted the first three rooms of his home into offices. The offices reeked of urine. Michael owned two dogs and a cat. Greek statues, books, and stacks of paper covered every surface. Framed headshots, signed and personally noted, cluttered the walls. I sat down on a couch across from Michael.

        Michael recently beat cancer. A handful of surgeries reconstructed his face, mouth, and jaw. His face appeared lopsided and his skin melted into the left corner of his mouth. Michael looked feeble. He spoke intensely and with slurred speech, spit flying from his mouth as he talked.

        "How old are you?"

        "Eighteen."

        "You look fourteen."

        "I know."

        "They will love that."

        We talked about my photos.

        "You photograph really well."

        "Thank you."

        "You are very handsome."

        "Thank you."

        "Don't thank me, I am stating a fact."

        We spent over an hour examining the hundreds of shots Paul took.

        "I am going to teach you how to pick the right photos for your headshots," he told me, sitting at his desk in front of the computer.

        He talked a lot. Michael continued to spit when he spoke and gestured dramatically. Enunciation clearly proved difficult for him, but he barreled on through. Michael bragged about his past. Celebrity names dropped: James Van Brick, Andie MacDown.

        "Andie sounded like a trailer park twit when I first met her. Ridding her of that southern accent took years! I got her that cosmetic contract and she signed with another agent. She still makes money off of those damn lotions and I don't see a penny!"

        I already didn't like him and I knew my clothes would stink of animal piss by the time I left. But I wanted to be an actor. So I sat there with Michael, who looked a few days away from death and soaked it all in.

*

        Michael Dell offered tons of advice, a plan, and homework.

        I wrote down titles of plays to read and monologues to memorize. We picked four headshots and he instructed me where to get them touched up and printed.

        "Go to Demetrio's on Sunset."

        $500 for 150 copies of each picture.

        Michael also offered me a part-time job assisting him in his office.

        "$15 dollars an hour, and I'll teach you how this business works."

        "I appreciate the offer, but I already have a job at Lynn George's acting studio for $25 dollars an hour," I lied.

        "I'll pay you $30."

        I pretended to think about it for a moment.

        "Ok."

        Michael started right away, teaching me about the submission process.

        "Daily audition notices are listed in the Breakdowns. Casting directors use the Breakdowns to send out descriptions of the roles being cast."

        White male, 40s, good with comedy, the role of high school teacher. CBS sitcom.

        Middle Eastern woman, 30s, the role of terrorist on Law And Order.

        Attractive women, 20s, and 30s, with athletic slender bodies. (all races). Must be over 5'10". Send additional shots in bathing suits.

        Young male, must look 7-9yrs, sitcom experience.

        "Dirty Grandma." (any race) Female ages 70+. Scenes include dialogue with cursing and mature subject matter. (see sides attached). Good comic timing, improv a plus. Prank show airing on MTV.

        The Breakdowns needed to be read and the actor packets submitted accordingly. A courier picked up headshot hard copies and resumes from Michael's front door daily. Electronic submissions streamlined the process.

*

        I worked a few hours each weekday and learned the process of the Breakdowns, the key to procuring auditions. I physically handled the office work for Mr. Dell while he sat in his chair and instructed.

        Michael represented twenty main clients. The client headshots hung organized on the wall next to his desk. Michael's top eight booked work recently because their resumes included TV/Film credits.

        "Focus on my top eight."

        Together we browsed the Breakdowns searching for a match. After identifying a role matching one of his clients, we selected a headshot or two that aligned with the character in the Breakdown. Conservative suit-and-tie looks for teachers and lawyers. Sexy low-cut cleavage shots for cougar, soccer moms. Large manilla envelopes waited to be filled and labels needed to be printed with addresses to the various offices and destinations for each packet.

        I enjoyed the work, listening and nodding to Michael as he educated me step-by-step on how to complete each day's submissions. I caught on quickly.

*

        The next week, I began my workshop with TZ casting director, Helen. The class consisted of fifteen students ages sixteen to sixty. Helen started each class lecturing for thirty minutes about her job as a casting director. I learned what she liked and what she hated.

        Do not show up in some ridiculous costume.

        Don't be late.

        Know your lines.

        Do not bring props.

        Be clean. Take a shower.

        Do not call the casting office.

        Helen told us different stories about actors she auditioned over the years, giving us insight into her duties. Helen stressed that she usually knew the outcome of an audition the moment someone walked into the room.

        "Just keep auditioning and listen to any direction and notes you are given."

        The second half of the class Helen auditioned five people. She handed us sides, six-to-ten pages of script, and we walked to the front and read them with her. Helen acted as if you just arrived at her office. I loved watching everyone audition for her. Helen always provided direct feedback and she gave notes throughout the mock auditions. Each student read the scene a few times before Helen called the next student into her office. I noticed the actors who made changes quickly as opposed to the ones who struggled. Sometimes Helen spent a long time with a student and gave them more sides for another project to read with her.