CanEm One-Shots (English)

Panic Attack

Plot: Sanem has a panic attack after Can's return after a year which puts things into perspective for him (set post episode 40)

It had been thirty-six hours since Can had catapulted back into Sanem's life and it was safe to say that it was chaos. If her life were a painting, it would be a Pollock, but instead of smears of dark paint, Sanem's head was frenzied with memories of the life she had lost. Looking into his eyes again just reminded her of how different things suddenly were. She had once been engaged to this broody, rugged man: felt safe in his arms, a longing for his touch, a desire for his handsome face - all things which haunted Sanem.

But, truthfully, she hadn't paused to really consider them, at least not properly. Ever since Can's return, Sanem had been surrounded by people, people who distracted her from her toxic thoughts. Fittingly, she was always accompanied by her best friends and housemates, CeyCey and Muzzo, but the past few days had also featured Aziz Bey, Remide Aunty, Deren, Emre, Leyla, Yigit ... and him.  Sanem hadn't had a moment to herself until now. 

She had been seeing a therapist fortnightly and had headed to the session whilst CeyCey and Muzzo worked. Usually, she didn't mind the downtime by herself. Walking the picturesque route down the shore to and from her therapist's office was calming, peaceful. But not even the gentle sound of waves ascending and descending onto land could comfort her today. She was truly alone and Sanem couldn't control the havoc that her mind caused. One moment she was happy and at home with her parents and the next, it was a whirlwind of lies, jealousy, anger and sadness. 

It was still clear as day, those memories of her waiting by the phone, just itching for it to ring. He'd been gone for weeks and she was worried that something could have happened. She'd been calling him daily (sometimes more, much more) and there was no answer. Sanem was beginning to presume the worst. Every time the news came on, she was on high alert, morbidly waiting for a sign of him - good or bad. But those weeks of waiting turned into months and she learnt that hard way that he'd just given up on them, that he'd stopped loving her and wasn't going to come back. 

As she thought about those painfully endless days, Sanem was reliving her heartache repeatedly. Her dark thoughts were swirling violently through her mind and she stopped walking to inhale and exhale deeply, like she had been taught to do when she panicked. Her heart was beating abruptly in the depths of her chest and she tried to focus on her breathing ... in and out ... in and out. But just like her walk, the breathing couldn't help comfort her either. 

Sanem felt the panic spark up like a match struck to its box. Sharp pains started to form in her abdomen and tension snaked its ways into her face and limbs. Her breathing became more rapid, more shallow and consciously, she was aware of what was happening, her mind replaying her last attack. Her eyes scanned around her for help but when she saw nothing and no one, her panic sky-rocketed. She was on a deserted, narrow road leading from her therapist's office back to her home. Nobody was going to find her out here. In seconds, her body felt light, completely weightless and she felt her head grow faint.  She tried to keep her eyes open, focusing her attention on the softening sun amidst the summer clouds, that brilliant blue and white. But an invisible hand clamped itself around her throat and unwillingly, her eyes closed. 

It was then that everything grew blurry. Her head felt like a carousel, spinning at a speed to fast for her to comprehend and the next thing she knew, she felt air and water. She was no longer upright, she could no longer hear the faint chatter from the streets or the coos from the seagulls up ahead. All that Sanem could hear was waves, that ebb and flow of water. Typically, that sound was soothing but today, it was hammering into her ears. Water flooded her ears, her nostrils ... she could no longer breathe as readily. She was sinking and amidst the mental pain that she was feeling, Sanem could comprehend one thing - she was drowning. She had fallen off the sidewalk and into the ocean.