Middle of Everything

CHAPTER 12 : Gravity

Watching everyone passed by, doing their own plans for today and having their own busy day makes me wonder what happen to me. Why am I having this kind of situation? Why of all people why me? That is what kept me thinking for a while and still asking for an answer.

It's been 1,028 days since I passed away. And during these days I am just here stuck in a world with no one to talk too, even a soul like me can't see another soul. But fortunately, I can see the people I love especially Parisa. I watch them, my family mourn and laugh once again. My mother starts to go to a yoga class that she hated to do before. My dad found a new hobby, succulents. He mostly talks to his plants every 6 in the morning before going to work. It became his habit and it made me smile to see him doing those stuff even it's kinda weird. John on the other hand finally has his girlfriend who finds his seriousness, cute and lovely. Which I think is very sweet. I visit them every single time whenever I can. But most of the time I stay with Parisa.

Apparently she is still mourning. How can I tell? Well even we can't talk, I can see it in her eyes. She grieves at night and wears a mask during the daytime. She smiles like there is no pain when she is talking to her patient and cry when no one watch. I watch her all the time and tries to comfort her whenever I can. When my ability to touch someone or something is available I use it so I can comfort her when she needs it. Painful but that is all I can do because right now I lost my ability to visit dreams and I still don't know how it works as a spirit or soul. Whatever you call us.

"It's been a while. How are you? You know I still count planes in the sky. Want to know my wish?—" I already know her wish. "That is a secret! My wish still not happening so I can't tell it to you." She grinned.

"You know John she is dating someone now and he even introduce it to me. He told Kate that I'm his older sister. Finally, he says that after a very long time of teasing him. John finally call me as her sister!" She laughs then she stops talking. The breeze is the only noise I can hear as it blew the grasses and trees. Now the place became solemn to notice that we are sitting next to my grave. Then she looks up at the sky and smile.

"Baby you know we are in a long distance relationship, even I know you know how I hate it, it is still okay as long as it was you. It is all fine. Even it is still hard not to be with you every single day, I understand. You know baby that the only thing we have right now is our memories and this is the only thing left but all those memories are my treasure to keep. You see I am still here waiting for your return. I love you Ae and it will never change. By the way, I know you will be sad hearing this but I still can't visit the place you bought for us." That day 11 months before she finally got the guts to visit my grave. It takes courage for her to accept that this is my place now. I can tell she is still in pain. Pain to accept that I'm gone.

It is agonizing to see her grieving. She tried so hard to fight the pain every day but she still cries. She is strong but not strong enough.

For the past months of watching her, she misses a lot of events and gathering. She is just stuck in her own world trying to occupy herself with work. She wakes up every day tired from crying and prepare for work after taking her breakfast while looking at our picture together.

"Hi, baby! Good morning! Wake up or you'll be late for work!" That is me waking her up on a video I take a very long time ago. She keeps on watching it on repeat every single day she woke up. That is her routine that I find too painful to watch. I laugh with her when she laughs at our pictures and I cry with her when she remembers that I am already gone. Then she heads to work and used the car we both choose to buy, a red Honda civic 2010 model to her and black for me. It is a second hand own by an old friend with some minor scratches but in total, those two cars are both in good condition. Unfortunately, mine died with me.