This is a story about how I got my heart broken. So, it began with five simple words, he said, ï will never leave you, and I believed him. Everything from there on was bliss for an entire year and thereafter one day we had a big fight, we always fought like a lot but it had never been such a massive blow up. So now instead of sorting things out and finding a way forward he chose to leave me. On that day, the night we broke up, he started a relationship with another girl, funny enough the same girl who was the reason behind why we got into an argument in the first place, I mean before their relationship he used to refer to her as his sister or best friend, I mean I had no reason not to believe him. They would both shower me with love, she would tell me how beautiful I am or how I am so cute and she loves me so much, never had I ever thought in my wildest dreams they would ever do something like this to me, they betrayed me and it hurt so bad I couldn’t believe the amount of pain I dealt with the two years that followed thereafter. You see instead of fixing the problem he ran into another’s arms, there is no justifying running into a whole other relationship. He chose to leave. Well for a while I didn’t know that the day we broke up in a heated argument he started dating someone else, so he led me on trying to fix things when I didn’t know that I was the fool in the entire situation. After all of this had happened somehow, I convinced myself he didn’t love her because that’s what he said to me, he continued to be with her telling me he doesn’t know how to leave her, I had never stooped to a level so low in my life. I offered to help him leave her, he told me he wanted me not her and that she was in a relationship with herself. We continued to be together behind her back with me convincing myself that it is what he said it was and that he would leave her. Eventually I got tired of the bullshit and decided to give him an ultimatum, yes, it was either me or her, he had to choose, and he chose her. I was completely shattered, as much as it was so messed I continued to be with him believing he loved me. He began to do with her things he never did with me, he would put up pictures of them together as his display picture or just post really sweet messages about her on his status update. That really hurt me so much for I don’t know how long I would cry myself to sleep every night not knowing what the hell to do with myself. I lost myself and not only did I lose myself but I realised that in the process of loving him I lost connection with my entire world, my friends and myself, he became my life and now that he was gone I was just not breathing. See this is the point where by I lost all my level headedness and I went insane, I spiralled down to a hole where I continuously kept on hurting myself with absolutely no conscious idea of what I was doing, at that moment everything I was doing was correct. I drove myself crazy every night thinking of what we used to be, their pictures together didn’t do me much good either, I started drinking, I didn’t eat, I began living on soda to a point where it was okay. The thing that made this so difficult was the fact that I had to see them like five days a week together, imagine the pain of seeing someone you love walk away with someone else every single day and you have no power over that? You can’t do anything about it, you can’t run away or look the other way you just had to be there. I woke up each day dreading to go to school, I didn’t want to see them together but I did want to see him, I know, it’s crazy, right? So then eventually it became so overwhelming I started to cut myself, I really just wanted to counter the emotion I was feeling and I swear it worked, at least temporarily, thereafter I would fall asleep not looking forward to the next day. I would get up in the morning and go to school on an empty stomach because the sickness that came with hunger distracted me from everything else, it made me sleepy and drowsy and it would distract me from everything that was happening around me, I would still see them, but in a blurred lens. Of course, I didn’t die because sometimes I ate at least once a day perhaps a packet of some chips or something and a whole lot of soda when I got home. I became caged in a whole lot dark emotions I had no control over, I was sinking into a hole and he would hold her hand and walk off with her as though I did not exist. So, several times I began to try to stay away from him, I would leave social media for the longest time and because I barely had any friends no one would worry much about me because I’d be at school every day of the week. When I would return the first thing I would see on his display picture is a photo of him and her, looking so happy it always felt like they could see right through me in every picture and they were laughing at me. I decided at a very important point in my life that if I would avoid this, I would do it through my books, never had I worked so hard on my school work in my entire high school days as I did during those months. I would study till I passed out, I would get up early in the morning looking forward to receiving more work to do so I could distract myself. It worked I tell you and I passed my matric fairly well because I had told myself a guy will never be the reason why I failed in life. See when I saw my matric certificate that’s when I knew I won. So, after writing my final paper I left high school and I never turned back, I just wanted to leave it all behind me, the pain and all, so I left. I returned to go collect my results and they were both there, they weren’t really together but I did what I had to do and left. This is a very long story and I will end there for now, but this is what this book is about, this is about how I felt and how I chose to write this book of “poems” to close this chapter of my life. This is me now at Nineteen.
