This is the story about how I woke up one morning broken, how I spent the night tearing myself apart, it’s very easy for me to hide how I feel it’s such a twisted mastery, I know how to smile with sadness in my eyes, I know how to laugh with tears bubbling in my throat waiting to escape, I know how to comfort others even when I am in pain, I know how to withdraw myself from all that makes me human and escape into nothingness, I know how to love even when I am hurt because in some twisted way the pain drew me closer to you, the more you hurt me the more I wanted you, I fed of the pain and progressed to convince myself that I needed you, that I needed to hurt to be with you, to be alive, to be happy, I felt as though I was alone and the only way to escape that was to let you hurt me, see I knew that what I was doing to myself was not okay and that it was self-torture but the problem is that I couldn’t help myself.
You changed from being what brought light into my life you became my dark twisted fantasy and somehow I fell in love with way you hurt me, see I would have taken you anyway I got you, I didn’t matter anymore, nothing mattered, you completed me, I’d wake up every morning with tears in my eyes and I'd so naturally wash them down with water, eyes swollen from the night before it became a routine, like breakfast and dinner, the only difference was lunch time, see around that time I got to forget, I got to be distracted from the sounds in head that spring up on me each waking day and every night, I knew I’d cry every night till the morning, I didn’t sleep, see my world was turning upside down and you didn’t make it better, but having you around made it better, no one knew how much pain I was in because I wanted to deal with it myself, I didn’t need anyone's sympathy, I did this to myself, I knew no one could help me, nothing could fix me, I was intoxicated to a point where I became toxic, toxicity is all I knew and its crazy how I fell in love with it, I didn’t want to break away from it, I loved the pain, I loved hearing everything you'd say to hurt me, to make me go away and then pull me right back in, I knew what everyone else would say to me too, I didn’t need their opinions I didn’t care, I wanted it, I needed it, I got so used to it I couldn’t accept it when my tears ran dry, it hurt so bad but it felt so good, one night I got back home and shoved an entire bottle of wine down my throat at once, I gulped it as though I’d been deprived of life itself, I didn’t feel it, I hate alcohol but then I couldn’t taste it, I kept creating scenarios of how my days would go with you in the centre, without hope that it would be different but because it kept me sane, you weren’t any better than me, I remember when I started slitting my wrists, it hurt so bad I needed to counter the pain because I was at the brink of smashing my head, my entire life right into a wall so vigorously hoping that if I do wake up maybe amnesia would have erased your entire existence in my life away, see this is like a self-crafted prison, your custom made hell, one you know you can break out of, one you know how to break out of but you can’t, it’s like jumping into the middle of the ocean knowing you can’t swim and hoping that by some miracle you’ll survive, or maybe that you’ll learn along the way but then you know it won’t happen, you know it’s never going to happen, you know his lies will never be the truth, but you jump in anyway, mindful of what will happen, you jump in hoping he will care enough to grasp you with claws full on thorns because you see even though it may hurt you know that that’s where you belong, I know it sounds crazy and that it doesn’t make any sense, that’s how I felt at the beginning, I was confused, I wanted it to make sense, I wanted it to be perfect, but then I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t have to make sense, it shouldn’t make sense, this is me, this is how feel, I feel a lot at once and in an hour I can experience so many different emotions at once, it doesn’t have to be clear, nothing beautiful has ever made sense, I don’t have to have a reason for how a feel every time I hear the sound of your voice, every time I feel your touch, how I feel when your lips press so closely to mine that for quite a significant time I stop breathing, that the mention of your name makes my heart beat so fast I get dizzy because of all the memories that come flashing in my mind, they move so fast and for a while there I stand dizzy with tear drops in my eyes, I realized that I have goosebumps and I just broke a cold sweat because my body can’t believe how much of an impact only one person can have on my entire world, see I saw myself falling apart till I couldn't even crawl anymore, I was reduced to dust on the ground and you watched the wind blow me away, my particles continued to dance around you rotating like a time breaking down in the dark hours and resurfacing in the morning when the wind has settled as though you didn’t watch it blow away into the horizon, echoing how much I love you through all that turmoil till the wind finally blew me out of your perspective, it really doesn’t make any sense how you can love someone whohurts you so badly so much , but I do, I really do, and I didn’t ever want to be without you, I don’t ever want to be without you, but here I am half alive without your presence in my life, see what I have been trying to say is that I can’t take my heart back from you, I am trying to say that you will always have a piece of me and in turn you will always be a part of me, my soulmate, I will always love you and even though to you it makes no sense I have made peace with this and perhaps I am ready to move on, but I always carry you with me in my heart, forever and always, always and forever, yours.
