the beach house || c.h.

16.

we walked into the cold house and i headed straight to my room to put on some pjs and go to bed. it had been a long day and ended kind of crappy so i was ready for it to be over. i watched calum go on the back porch as i made my way to my room and opened up my windows to get a cool breeze in here. the aroma of cigarettes started to flow through my windows as i looked out to see calum inhaling the stick in between his fingers. the last time i saw him smoke was the first night he was here when he was all grumpy so i know why he just lit one up a couple of seconds ago. i closed my windows to get rid of the smell in my room as i put on some comfy clothes and flung myself onto my bed. i buried myself into my pillows and comforter then i put on my music to try to drown out my thoughts and that pungent smell still floating into my room. yeah it was rude to not even say goodnight to calum, but he was in a mood also and i didn't want to add onto it so it's better if we don't talk until morning. my thoughts were drifting off as i started to also.

calums pov
flashback to 4 years ago
i just pulled up to lanes house for our movie night tonight. as i was walking up to the door along her sidewalk, i saw lane peeking through the curtain and quickly closed it. i just laughed and shook my head at the goofy girl i was slowly falling for. i opened up the door and the sweet smell of her house filled my lungs as she ran up to grab the drinks and snacks from my hands. "sorry i came early, i had already ran to the store and i didn't have anything else to do and plus i was ready to see you," i told her as she gave me a quick hug. the hug was shorter than what she usually does but i let it slide. she was being awfully quiet as i took off my shoes and sat down on the couch right next to her. "lane, love, are you okay?" i asked her as she turned her whole body to face me. "cal can i tell you something?" she looked down and fidgeted with her hands as she asked me. "of course you can," i said as i lifted up her chin to look at me. "okay but if i tell you, don't freak out or go all weird on me," lane stated and i nodded my head to let her go on, "well here goes nothing," she took a deep breath and started, "so calum recently you've been making me feel weird. like you tell me all this lovey dovey stuff, tell me that you love me, and i feel like i like you more than a friend. but i'm mostly confused by you." she finished. my heart was beating out of my chest and my hands started sweating like crazy. "did you just tell me that you have feelings for me?" i managed to get out in a very monotone voice. "see that's where i'm confused, i don't know if i do or not. but please don't think of me differently." i got up from the couch and paced slowly with millions of thoughts running around my head. those are the words i've been wanting to hear but now actually hearing them come from her is making me panic. "i'm sorry i have to go," i said barely above a whisper and strided to my car. i heard her behind me but my mind was so lost right now, i couldn't think straight. i sat down in my car for a minute to process what she said. all these feelings were new to me, so i couldn't just turn them on with a snap. i needed to do something to clear my mind so i called up luke as i pulled out of the driveway  "luke i need a party address asap." i said right as he picked up. "dude is everything alright, i thought you were staying at lanes?" he questioned and i just spat back, "just send me an address," and i hung up.
i reached the party and saw the boys standing in the living room talking to our other friends, so i went the opposite way to the drink table. i picked up a few girls on the way and woke up the next day with only a cloud for a memory.

i've been out here on this back porch for about an hour now, replaying the horrible memory i call my own. i've been in a trance with the ocean for a while now as i realized i never told her how i really felt on that terrible night. i hated what i did to her, i do not deserve lane, her trust, and her forgiveness. i thought about how i can tell her without making her or myself freak out and how she feels. i thought about if i told lane how i really felt on that night, joe different things would be. so i decided i'll tell her how i really felt that night, that time we didn't talk, and how i felt the whole tour.
my feet drug me to her door as i softly knocked and slightly opened it to reveal a sleeping lane covered in her sheets. i softly smiled at the dreaming girl infront of me as i felt my heart flutter from the look of her. i shook my head at myself because this was creepy, just me looking at her so i closed her door behind me and went to my room. i flung myself onto my bed and my mind was running a mile a minute. maybe i was getting feelings for lane again? but i could not, she would never feel the same again after what i did and put her through. but maybe she would ?

•••
5:01 am
i sat in my bed for hours with only one thing on my mind; lane. i turned over to look at my clock, only to realize i've sat in the same position for 7 hours, just thinking about them girl in the room right across from mine. i rolled off my bed then put on some gym clothes and grabbed my earbuds then headed out of my room. i saw lanes door was cracked open so i peeked my head in to see her sitting on her bed with her guitar and her notebook with a pen stuck in her mouth as she thought. she was looking out her windows at the sun sneaking up above the clouds getting ready to be out all day. she was truly beautiful, especially in this state right now; just her and her guitar. i remember when she did that all the time back home, she always had her nose stuck in her notebook. i backed out and headed outside to clear my mind, hoping the sea and salty air will help me figure out all of these emotions i had running through my mind.