sonder || KHR fanfic

Dame

Tsuna's life before Reborn entered it
[warnings: coarse language, mentions of depression]

•
Tsuna spent most of his life feeling he is enough the way he is.

"Underachieving, underperforming, underwhelming."

Even if the world tells him that, he has gone through most of his life being okay with it.

Because he cannot really do anything about it. He cannot change the labels placed around him.

Nor does he ever strive to.

-

His mother often tells him to get his act together.

"What do you plan to do in the future."

'I don't know, mom."

"I'm not saying you have to go to a good high school or college, you know."

"Don't barge into my room like that!"

"I want you to live feeling, 'It's great to be alive!'"

"Could you not say that in front of people, it's embarrassing."

Tsuna notices the slight tremble of her lips as she tries to reproach him.

He notices the raise in pitch of her voice despite her trying to sound carefree.

He notices the glassy eyes, that looks like its about to burst to tears.

But he can't help it.

He really doesn't have anything to look forward to in life.

-

It's not that Tsuna wants to disappoint his mom.

He'd be dammed if anything happens to the one person who has supported his useless self for so long.

But he also knows why his mother never actively pushes him out of his comfort zone.

Why she could leave him be the way he is, despite the sadness Tsuna brings along with him.

It's because they both know - underneath Tsuna's lack of care and Nana's lack of sense is a hole.

A gaping hole left by the absence of the one family member that is never around.

Tsuna knows his mother often cries herself to sleep, praying for his father to come back to their lonely home.

And Nana knows her son often closes himself up in his room, feeling empty from the lack of familial interaction with a father figure.

And they both cannot do anything for the other, because they both feel empty with Iemitsu's absence.

-

It's not Tsuna has never tried before to do better.

He has, many times, but it really just never goes that well.

The bullying doesn't help either.

No one has ever tried to stop and listen to his silent cries of help.

They all just laugh at how pathetic he is, how messed up his life is, and how he'll never amount to anything.

So he gives up altogether, because what's the fucking point.

He just accepts everything they say about it, because honestly, whatever they're saying is fucking right.

He is fucking pathetic; all he does is disappoint both himself and his mom.

His life is fucking messed up; his father's gone and both him and his mom resents this fact every day of their lives.

And he will never amount to fucking anything; how could he, if he can't even change anything.

So Tsuna just accepts it all, and represses himself more and more everyday.

-

When Tsuna thinks back to all the dark days he had before Reborn entered his life, he feels the abyss is going to swallow him whole.

But now

He's okay now.

Because things are different now.

"Really, I've barely changed since then. But things are clearly different. Now I have everyone... I have everyone here to laugh with me."