sonder || KHR fanfic

Penitence

On Tsuna and the guilt in his hands
[warning: puking, implicit violence, dark thoughts]

•

Every once in a while, Tsuna would feel his hands shaking - uncontrollably, tempestuously. They shake and tremble and it takes all of his entire being to will it to stop (though sometimes, try as he might but the shaking doesn't stop).

He tries his best to keep his mind off the growing, gnawing guilt that builds up at the bottom of his gut at every single waking moment of his life. The guilt eats him up, swallows him up, and it gets slightly more unforgettable with each passing day.

But sometimes, sometimes, it just doesn't work; Sometimes the demons eat him raw, the haze of it all engulfing him. So he locks himself off in his room, body trembling, lungs heaving, heart thumping.

On days like that, he just cries and cries. He looks at his stained hands, and begs and begs for amnesty for all he has done with these with two hands.

He knows full well that he acted for his loved ones' sake and that whatever he had done thus far was to protect his friends and family. 

He knows, he knows;

(it still eats him up, nonetheless)

-||-

Tsuna remembers the first time he saw someone receiving the brunt end of the fight. He remembers vividly when the Vindice appeared, when Mukuro and his gang were taken away with tight locks around their neck, when they were dragged mercilessly to the void unknown.

And he knows, and stands by his words when he says that he can't stay quiet when his friends are hurt, that this is the place for him to go.

But he never wished upon anyone to disappear into the void, punished, imprisoned, for who knows how long.

They too had something, someone to protect. Even if they had caused harm to others, they did it for their sake.

No matter what anyone says, he doesn't know if it's necessarily right for them to suffer more than they should have.

(he spends many days afterwards worrying, the guilt growing).

-||-

Tsuna has constant nightmares of the moment when he sliced open Gola Mosca, cables flying, machine breaking, and a bloody man falling.

The 9th Boss laying on the ground, paled face as the ground seeps in red and the puffs of smoke waft around him.

His own gloves, no, hands, stained in bright, daunting crimson.

And he jolts himself awake every time, cold sweat dripping down his entire being.

The nightmare gets him every time, because even though it had been a trap, even though he had defeated Xanxus. Hell, even though the 9th Boss was now alive and kicking.

It didn't change the fact that he had almost killed him.

And that fact haunts him. 

It shakes him to the very core of his soul.

And he knows, that this mafia life will never be the same again;

That these hands of his will never be the same again;

(he cries himself to sleep afterwards every time).

-||-

Surprisingly, Tsuna didn't have much difficulty burning off Byakuran in his final fight in the future. At the spur of the moment, he didn't put much thought into it. With his new ring and power, he just did what he had to with his dying will to protect the people he love.

It was so simple, he didn't even realize he had killed another human being. 

When he went back to the past, he threw up.

He gagged and retched and puked his guts out for days to no end.

He'd lock himself up in the bathroom, hands gripping at the edge of the toilet as he kept crying and puking and crying and puking.

It's not as if Byakuran didn't kill people either. He killed many of the Vongola famiglia. He killed Takeshi's dad. He killed his future self.

It's not as if Byakuran is dead in this timeline. This era's Byakuran is still alive and well and possibly doesn't even know the mafia exists yet.

His mind knows, and his mind rationalizes it all for the sake of protecting his loved ones.

But Tsuna can't.

He just can't.

He murdered someone, regardless of the when and where and why. The ghost of it all follows his shadow and all he can do is cry.

And he realizes, this might not be the last; He'll continue to burn and hurt and kill others to protect the ones he love.

He doesn't know if he'll ever be alright anymore.

(he falls asleep in the bathroom, tears still streaming down his face as he repeatedly asks for forgiveness).

•

author's notes:
say hello to this revived author lmao. to be fair, this fandom is mostly dead but me and my best friend still have a soft spot for it so here's a new chapter. i kept the draft of this chapter for close to 4 months now lol. it was a hard chapter to write cuz i can imagine it happening but it was hard to put these feelings into proper words. 

this chapter is inspired by Of Warm Hands Hidden by Seen-Zoned and A Mafia Boss Attends Assassination Classroom by DeweyGreat . Both their books were what made me reflect on Tsuna's feelings, and i hope you'll give their books a read.