Love is Pain Sweetheart

Chapter 9

I started to take off my loose long sleeve shirt and my overly big sweat pants. once i was just in my bra and underwear i brushed my hair and my teeth. then i slowly sank myself into the chilly water.

" crap its cold." i just swam. my breath still falling short due to me gasping. 

Fifteen minutes went by before i decided to soap up my hair and shave my legs and of course my armpits. 

about ten minutes later i was drying off and putting on my knee length skirt. It was flowly and soft. It was just black but i loved the feel of it. then i put on a plain blue tshirt. 

Finally i could wear just a t-shirt. At this time I didnt care if he saw my three long scars that started at my elbow and reached my wrists. these scars almost killed me. except Ryan didnt want me going to a hospital so he helped me bandage them up.

                                                                FLASH  BACK

 I had just gotten through a fowl beating. I must have just woken up. The first thing i saw was black spotches. They soon left and immediately i wanted those balck spotches back because over my aching and frail body stood Ryan. He noticed right away that i was awake.

" Oh my dear sophie you finally woke up." he bent down to my level and carefully placed my hand in his. he leaned in a kissed my forhead. " My dear sophie i know what i do to you is wrong. Its so wrong. I know you hurt from it. I just cant help it.     I am so sorry." He squeezed my white cotton bandages that went from elbow to wrsit. i sank away wishing i could just disappear into those sheets and the earth would swallow me hole and be done with me.

Both my brothers have said to me. I mean they all do. Except they each said it once with multiple meanings behind the simple words I am sorry.

                                                                  FLASH BACK OVER.

When Ryan hurt  me so many times he knew it was wrong. Yet he still does it. He knows that those words will never be enough but he does know that through his pained and hurting soul he can show me it in his eyes.  It doesnt excuse him for what he has done. Then when steven said it. Oh i still see his eyes. How they will forever haunt me. What terrors he must have seen. When he said those simple words to me. The same way Ryan said it. I looked into my brothers eyes and his eyes were burning with shame, pain,sorrow,saddness. I knew that those words I am sorry. It was just his way of saying.

look at me. I am a mess. I am falling apart. Nobody can help me. Look into my eyes sophie and tell me that you have seen this to. Look at me and see what I have become. I cant do it anymore. It is to much. I can keep going with such guilt. Please  Forgive me.

He was more asking my forgivness for what he was going to do. 

I shook myself out of my thoughts and away from the tormenting eyes. Those forever familiar eyes that will always haunt me.

I walked back to the house and found jasper sound asleep on his bed. I decided to walk back to the car and grab my last bag. 

OH HOW I WISH I KNEW THAT BY COMING HERE I WAS SEALING MY FATE. MY FATE I WOULD HALF TO LIVE WITH FOR FOREVER.

" I think that walk was longer than when we first came." i said to myself as I almsot came out gasping from the tree line.  I walked to the truck and grabbed my bag from the back seat. " Whoops !!" i made a little bag fall off the seat when i drug my very light back pack out of the back seat. I leaned in to pick it up and you know how they say curisoity killed the cat. Well I should have listened to my conscious screaming at me to put the bag back and walk away. I am just to stupid.