Judgement (John Seed X Deputy OC)

1 - The Past

Six years. Six years we had spent in the bunker before breaking out to see the sunshine again. I could barely recognise the woman who looked back at me in the mirror. She was older, tireder and incomplete. My fingers reached to the scarring on my waist, reminiscing the feeling of burning pain as Joseph Seed's knife wrenching through my skin. It never really went away. None of it did.

'You okay?' John poked his head around the corner of the door. The son of a bitch didn't age, he looked exactly as he always had despite a few extra wrinkles around his eyes. My gaze fell onto him for a second and I softened. The John Seed of today was somewhat different from the one I met all those years ago. He had built us a home after the collapse on the edge of Hope County, away from the the rest of civilisation. He still had the occasional outburst of anger but it was over more trivial things such as not being able to saw a piece of wood perfectly in half or wild dogs howling long into the night. In all honesty, I was surprised he'd managed to cope six years under the ground with me. The collapse had mentally scarred me, the guilt of the obliteration that not only killed my friends but the entire world too resting heavily on my shoulders.

'Fine.' My quiet grunt was enough for him to know that I was in one of those moods. Coming behind me, he softly squeezed my bare shoulders with his tattooed hands.

'I heard a few of your friends are setting up camp at my old ranch. You should go and see them, they'd be happy to know you're alive.' His attempts at cheering me up were futile. Shrugging him off of me, I shook my head and moved past him.

'They won't want to know me after all of this. I betrayed them and nearly got them killed. Hell, I probably got most of them killed.' Spitting my words, I began to stomp up the wooden steps.

'Harlow, you know what happened wasn't your fault.' John sighed heavily and leant against the wall. He wore a deep blue sweater with the sleeves rolled up. Long gone were the blue silk shirt and waistcoat combo that used to hug his torso. Folding his arms across his chest he raised an eyebrow at me. Looking over my shoulder, my fingernails dug into the bannister.

'I'm going to bed.'

'Of course you are.' He exhaled again and ran a hand through his hair. It felt like I was disappointing him but what else could I say? Furrowing my brow, I carried on up the stairs and slid under the sheets of our bed. Closing my eyes I tried to drift off as quickly as I could. It was rare that I made it through the night without awaking due to terrors. Wholesome dreams were rare nowadays. Fortunately, exhaustion consumed me rapidly and before I knew it I was unconscious.

Red flames licked aggressively around me as I stared over at my friends. Staci and Earl lay motionless on the floor, blood oozing from their heads. Suddenly, I was grabbed from behind. Whipping me around, Joey coughed blood onto my face whilst tears stained her cheeks. A bullet hole had torn through her temple but somehow she was still alive. 'How... could... you... Rook.' The words came out of her mouth almost in slow motion and I watched the life leave her eyes.

'No!' I yelled out, flying upright. A cool breeze sifted through the window, making the hemp curtains drift softly. Sweat soaked the sheets below me and my pulse raged aggressively in my throat. John lay beside me, his blue eyes closed tightly.

'Just a nightmare, go back to sleep Harlow.' He mumbled, barely moving his lips before rolling over and burying his face under a pillow. He'd become so accustomed to my night terrors that he'd learnt to sleep through them. Breath ragged, I staggered to my feet and threw on some clothes that John had neatly folded atop a wooden cabinet. Silently, I left him in bed and padded out of the room and downstairs. There was only one thing that could make me feel better at a time like this. Sitting down on one of the pine chairs that encircled our dining table, I pulled on my worn old boots before heading to the door and pulling my compound bow and quiver from the hook.

Despite the days being scorching hot, the night's were very cold now. Tugging my jumper around my arms to try and keep me warm, I stayed crouched in a bush. A group of deer grazed close by on an open dusty meadow. Their white pelts shone beneath the moonlight and the antlers glowed a bright red. Never had it been so easy to hit my mark. Hands still shaking, I eased my breathing and set up my shot. Loosing my arrow, it sailed through the air and arced straight over the herd. Alerted, they fled and I let out a loud groan of frustration. I couldn't even succeed at the one thing that I was good at. Tears threatened my eyes and I stomped over the meadow to collect my arrow. It lay stabbed into the patchy ground and as I reached to pull it free of the dirt, a hand rested on my shoulder.

'You're hurting child.' Unfazed by the voice, I yanked the arrow from the dry, cracked soil and turned to face him.

'You survived then?' Eyeing the man before me, it was hard to believe I was staring at Joseph Seed once more.

'As did you.' His eyes narrowed, piercing through my confident facade. 'Though you are struggling.' For once I had no comeback, instead diverting my gaze. 'Guilt consumes you.'

'Yeah well, I'm not a psychopath like you so killing a tonne of people does make me feel like shit.' Despite my standoffish behaviour, Joseph took my hands in his own. They were oddly warm and comforting.

'I can help ease your guilt. I can help you make it right.' Refusing to be tempted by him, I wrenched away from his grip and started to walk away. 'I can make you happy again. You can make my brother happy again.' He called to me and I paused, contemplating his words. Dark clouds began to roll over the sky and a deep rumble of thunder echoed in the distance. Staring up at the wooden house on the hill, all I could think about was having the chance to make John happy again.

'You swear it?' I hissed, not taking my eyes away from the house.

'It is God's will.' He replied calmly. I exhaled sharply, remembering all the harm I'd caused and the damage I was still doing to the only person I was close to.

'Okay.' I finally said, turning to face Joseph once more. His arm was outstretched to me and I dropped my bow to the floor, allowing him to bring me close to his side.

'Come, before the rain starts to fall.' Ushering me away, tears leaked from my eyes as I turned my back on all I'd known for a very long time.