Judgement (John Seed X Deputy OC)

15 - Negotiator

'I loved her. I still do.'

I stiffened at his words. Arms looped around my knees, I was hunched over beside Carmina. Fingers interlocked, my bones pressed hard against one another. The first time John had tried to say that he loved me I stopped him. The second time he screamed it in his brother's face. But it was the third time that caught me off guard. It was the third time that it meant the most to me.

'Have you seen my water bottle?' John's voice was like static. It wasn't clear, almost warped. Turning a pistol in my hand, I mused about my next move. It could be easier to end it all right now. Lifting the gun to my temple, I pressed the cool barrel to my skin. My reflection in the bathroom mirror stared back at me, eyes pierced with red veins.

'How could you Rook?' Joey's disappointed final words were ever present, sifting through my mind. I took a deep heated breath to steel myself up. Trembling, my fingertip hovered over the trigger.

'I said have you-' John paused in the doorway. I could see his widened expression looming over my shoulder in the reflected glass. 'What are you doing?'

'What does it look like?' My chest shivered in anticipation. His face contorted briefly into one of horror before calming, mouth moving into a thin line.

'It won't make it better.' He breathed softly, taking a slow step towards me.

'What would you know?' I snapped, knuckles turning white from gripping onto the pistol so tight. John stopped moving, raising his palms innocently.

'I know that you're scared.' His voice was warm and relaxing. Irises frantically flitting from the sight of him back to my reflection, I shoved the gun even harder against my skin.

'No I'm not.' The growl escaped my choked up throat as stressful tears began to accumulate at the edges of my eyes.

'It's okay to be afraid.' John took another imperceptible step forward, hands still raised in the air. 'But doing this will just make everything worse.'

'I don't care John.' Teeth gritted together, I ground my molars over and over. All I had to do was press down on the trigger and it'd be done. It'd be over. I'd be free from the agonising guilt that tore through every fibre of my being.

'Well I care!' He lost his cool, making me falter for a second. My finger slipped away from the trigger and my wrist grew slack. That was all he needed. Reaching forward, John prized the pistol from my grip and threw it across the room. The metal clanged on the floor loudly as his fingertips pinched at my knuckles, crawling up to lace his hand with my own. 'I won't lose you. Not like that.' Chest pressed against my back, I could feel him trembling.

'I don't deserve to be alive.' My voice was barely audible. I could feel myself sinking into John, the walls of the bunker closing in on me.

'Maybe you don't. But that doesn't mean I don't need you. I love you Harlow. I won't let you do this to yourself. None of it was your fault. None of it.'

'Judge?' Carmina touched my arm lightly and I jumped, flashing my mask at her. The young girls' eyebrows furrowed in concern. 'Are you okay?' My gaze flitted past her to where John had been sitting. His space was now empty. I assumed he'd left whilst I'd been lost in thought. Placing a gloved hand on top of Carmina's, I gave it a grateful squeeze and her mouth split into a small smile.

***

THUD.

The satisfying sound of my arrow meeting its mark made a euphoric grin etch across my hidden face. At least using my bow still brought me small bouts of joy.

Pride.Pride.Pride.

A tender burning sensation bubbled around my chest but I ignored it, setting another arrow to the string. Sometimes it was easy to put the conditioned punishment to one side and just enjoy whatever I was doing. Standing tall, I shot again and pierced right into the bullseye.

'Nice work Judge!' The Captain approached the training area, a tight-lipped smile on her face. Lowering my bow to my side, I nodded at her politely yet couldn't help but notice the dark shadows beneath her puffy eyes. It had been a rough night for her. The sound of a door opening removed my gaze from her to briefly catch John emerging from his room. It wasn't long after he'd disappeared to bed last night that I myself had turned in. In fact, it was the first night's sleep I'd had in a long time that was undisturbed by nightmares or intrusive thoughts. Instead, I was lulled by John's words and memories. If only I could tell him the truth. The Captain caught me staring up and glanced over her shoulder grimacing. 'You go careful around him. He's not kind like Joseph.'

'Lara, I need to talk to you.' Kim summoned from the main house, waving an arm over her head.

'I'll catch ya later.' She patted my shoulder and left me, a severe lack of pep in her step. Pulling the string of my bow taut, I lifted it up and sent another arrow sailing through the air. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my day.