Judgement (John Seed X Deputy OC)

21 - Speak Up

It was a drizzly afternoon. I didn't much like these kinds of days. They were dreary and cold. The patter of raindrops against the window pane saw me give a heavy sigh. Condensation spread across the glass, my fingertip drifting over its coolness.

'You'll get prints all over the glass.' John's pen scratched at a piece of paper as he worked. He was writing up an inventory of materials for Kim. The back of the leather chair faced me as his neck craned downwards in concentration. Sitting inside the alcove of the window, I tipped my head back and rested it on the wooden framing. It'd been a few weeks now. Still no words had escaped my lips.

'Ahem.' Eyes rolling away from the glass, they landed onto the nervous frame of Nick Rye standing in the doorframe.

'What do you want Rye?' John didn't look up from the paper in front of him.

'Do you mind if I take a moment with the...' The pilot paused, swallowing thickly. 'With the Dep?' Nick's fingers fiddled with his cap. It was clutched in his hands and he wrung it like a wet cloth nervously.

'Fine.' Pinching the bridge of his nose, John rose and collected the papers into his hands. 'She won't talk back to you.' He stated, tapping his work on the table to align it neatly.

'Hmph.' Was all that came from Nick as John pushed his way past and disappeared from the room. My empty gaze trailed away from the now grey haired pilot and returned to looking outside. A single raindrop trickled down the glass, creating a trail of water that was reminiscent of a winding creek. As it pooled at the bottom of the pane, Nick began to speak. 'Can't believe you're alive. We all thought Joseph killed ya or that the blast got to ya before we could. We... I spent years in our bunker beating myself up for not making a stand and goin' with you to the compound. I thought it was 'cause you were tryin' to protect me. Tryin' to be the hero.' Nick's words contorted from sorrow to anger in that second. 'But it was really 'cause you didn't want us to find out your secret wasn't it?' His footsteps seemed heavy as they approached and soon his shadow loomed over me. My eyes moved to looked at his now clenched fists. His hat was crumpled up in one hand. 'You lied to me. You told me he died in the crash. And then you had the audacity to ask me for advice on what to do!' Nick swept a shaking hand through his long grey hair. 'I thought you were talking about Sharky, not John fucking Seed! Had I know it was him I would've-' I cocked my head and he paused; lips pursed as though he was debating on whether or not to continue. 'I woulda killed ya.' He let out an anguished sigh before turning and thumping his fist lightly into the desk. I didn't flinch at the sound. 'God dammit Dep! Why? Why did you side with the fucking Seeds?! You were my best friend!' Nick rose his voice and spun back to look at me. I'd never seen him so angry. 'Say something for fuck's sake!' His shout was directed right at my face and a wave of guilt washed over me at the sight of his desperate expression.

'Dad!' Carmina ran into the room and tugged at her father's arm. 'Calm down!' She pulled him away from me as he shook his head in annoyance.

'You were my best friend.' He said it again, more wounded this time. Pulling out of his daughter's grip, he left the room in a flurry of quiet tears. I'd hurt him so much.

'He'll come around.' Carmina said softly. She tentatively approached and took a seat beside me on the window sill. I shuffled my legs up to make room. 'I've heard a lot of stories about you.' Her freckled face was the spitting image of Kim but her blue eyes were definitely her dad's. 'The Deputy, saviour of Hope County.' She grinned, spanning her arms in an arc shape above her head. 'You did some amazing stuff back in the day. I grew up on the stories of my godmother who'd blow up silos for fun and drove my mum to the clinic to have me. You were a hero.' Carmina's happy smile made me cast my face down. Her elbow nudged against my leg. 'You still are a hero.' Brow creased, my neck snapped back as I looked at her in confusion. 'C'mon Dep. You helped the Captain kill the twins and Joseph, you protected John a number of times. Whatever you think of yourself I know there's still some of that fire burning inside you.' My incisors slipped from my mouth and latched to my lip, nibbling at the skin nervously. Carmina seemed to study my face for a minute. 'He never stopped looking for you. Not once.' She placed a hand on my bare knee reassuringly. 'John came to us  eleven years ago looking for you. It was strange, I was only five or six at the time but I remember him being so... patient. Mom and dad warned me to stay away from him, said he was dangerous. But not once did he ever hurt me. In fact he saved my life only a few weeks ago. He brought dad back too, reunited us when he didn't have to at all. But even with all of that going on his only real focus was finding you. It was always about bringing you home.' Her stare hardened a little which I took as a sign of encouragement. 'He deserves to know how you really feel. I saw the way you lingered around him when you were the Judge. The way you'd do anything for him. The way you'd put yourself in harm's way to make sure he stayed safe. I've only ever seen it once before and that's with my dad and mom. He could never let a thing happen to her and you're exactly the same with John. You've got to tell him Dep.' Carmina squeezed her hand around my joint, her stare drilling into me. Holding her gaze for a few long seconds, I finally nodded. It was time.

***

Padding out into the courtyard, the rain poured down onto my body. John's silk shirt soaked it up immediately; his thick socks becoming damp and heavy from the wet grass beneath my feet. I could see his frame stood up at the entryway to Bean's cartography office. He was shaking his head in annoyance at the young boy who seemed to be trying to appease him. Stopping just below the stairs, I stared up longingly at him. Drops of water clung to his beard, coming to a head and tumbling to the wooden flooring. It took him a few minutes to notice me.

'What the hell are you doing out here?' He grunted, waving Bean away and taking the stairs two by two. Goosebumps adorned my skin as freezing water slid over my legs and chest. 'Trying to run away from me again?' He joked but I couldn't tell if there was a hint of concern in his voice. Taking my arm with care into his own, he began to guide me back to the house. 'I'll never understand why you would leave me.' Wiping his other hand down his face, he shook the droplets from it.

'Because I love you.' My voice was barely audible but he heard. I could tell by the aghast expression riddled all over his face.

'You what now?' He asked, stopping just outside the house entryway.

'I love you.' I tugged the sleeves of the silk shirt down and covered my hands with them, clinging to the inside of the fabric.

'No you don't.' He replied, still shocked at my admission.

'I love you.' I said it once more, taking a step towards him but he backed away in confusion.

'But you've never said anything before.' John looked perplexed, his eyes darting around as though he thought this was a prank. I shrugged, still shaking from the cold. 'Are you sure? Nobody has ever loved me before.' There he was. Insecure John, the one I so vividly remembered.

'I love you.' This time as I stepped forward he didn't budge and instead let me wrap my arms around his waist and snuggle into his wet clothes.

'I-I see.' He stammered, patting my head fondly. 'I just never thought I'd hear you say it after all this time.' Even though he was soaked through from the rain, he was still warm. I wanted to stay there forever. But the wind whipped up and the rain got heavier, thundering like bullets onto my shoulders. John seemed to come out of his trance at the severity of the weather and pulled away from my grip. 'C'mon, let's get you inside.' He took my arm again and guided me out of the storm, just like he always did.