Judgement (John Seed X Deputy OC)

20 - Yes or No

Morning frost spread across the window pane, dewy drops clinging to the glass and fracturing the dim light that shone through. My eyes flitted open hazily, lenses focussing onto the features of the room before me. John sat slumped in a chair, his chin tilted downward as he slept. An empty glass balanced in his slack grip. Goosebumps prickled at my bare legs and I found myself trying to hunch myself over into a smaller ball. John's silk shirt creased at my movements, the soft fabric hanging from my horrendously slender frame. Hugging my arms tightly, it felt strange to be able to feel my own flesh again. I found myself absentmindedly staring at the bearded man. Grey hairs had started to twinge behind his ears and what used to be smooth skin now looked a little ragged but other than that he seemed the same. A few dark hairs etched their way across his chest whilst his stomach was still tight and toned. John's many inked tattoos were now faded but could still be made out. The sloth and lust scars were fully healed, the skin slightly raised so they were still readable. Eleven years I'd been gone and I felt so twisted. I'd missed so much but nothing had changed either. Rolling over, I faced the wall and let out an agonised sigh. Joseph told me he'd make John happy. He told me he'd make me happy. So then why did this all hurt so much? Why did John look the most miserable I'd ever seen him?

'You're awake.' His deep voice almost echoed in the empty room, making me tense up. My toes curled in anguish as I felt his weight bare down onto the mattress. His hand slipped up my shirt and pressed against my protruding ribcage. 'You need food.' I wasn't paying attention to what he was saying. Instead I was relishing the feeling of his palm pressing against me. 'Will you eat if I get you something?' Bunching myself up further, I buried my face into the duvet. I didn't want to talk to him, I just wanted his touch. As he removed his hand I started to tremble, longing for him to stay close. He left the room for five minutes before returning with some buttered bread. Grabbing me by the scruff of my neck, he sat me upright on the end of the bed and crouched in front of me. 'Eat.' He commanded, shoving the plate under my nose. Despite my stomach rumbling in hunger, I turned my head away and recoiled. 'Harlow, eat it.' Snatching one of the pieces by the crust he pressed it against my closed mouth. My hollow stare and unmoving lips made his face contort in annoyance. 'You're so fucking stubborn.' He sighed heavily and dropped the piece of bread. It landed on the porcelain with a thud. 'Are you going to talk to me?' His tongue flicked across his teeth. He only did that when he was severely irritated. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to him, I just didn't know what to say. From his perspective I'd abandoned him for his brother and had been lurking around the camp without giving up the ghost. Placing the plate on the bedside table, John stood upright once more. His knee joints gave an audible click. Rubbing his beard with a calloused palm, his pupils stared at my matted hair. 'That looks painful.'

'Mm.' I mumbled, giving a slight nod. John opened the bedside drawer and produced his comb. Sitting down cross-legged with his back against the headboard, he pulled my head into his lap and began to gently brush out the knots. His legs were so warm, radiating against my icy skin. The prongs eased through my hair occasionally having to be tugged to loosen any entwined balls. Closing my eyes, a happy smile formed on my face as John ran his fingertips across my scalp. I'd missed him so much. As he motioned to brush again, my fingers wrapped around his wrist and I gazed up at him intently. John paused the motion, blue eyes searching my own. Leaning down he pressed a soft kiss to my forehead before continuing to brush my hair.

'I've missed you.' He hummed, teasing the final knots out. Placing the comb onto the bedside table, he opened his legs and pulled me up between then. My back pressed against his chest as he wrapped my hair in his hands and dangled it over my shoulder. Another kiss found its way to my emboldened collarbone. John plucked the slice of bread up again and reached around my head to offer it to me. This time I opened my mouth and he popped it in. The butter painted my tongue as I chewed. It tasted delicious. 'Good girl.' John breathed, relief in his tone as I swallowed the food down.

'Mm.' John accepted my quiet grunts were all he was going to get as a response. He handed me the second slice of bread and I snaffled it down like a starving dog. John gave a quiet chuckle, smoothing his hands over my silk covered shoulders. They ran over the collar of the shirt and then onto my chest, resting over the Wrath scar.

'Why did you leave?' The question sent a chill down my spine. I stiffened, burying my face into my hands. I left to make things better for him just like Joseph had promised. Shaking my head violently, I gave no answer. 'Okay, okay no difficult questions. What about yes or no? You can do that right?' He asked me gently, rubbing circles into my skin. I nodded, feeling him kiss the top of my head before balancing his cheek against my ear. 'Did Joseph kidnap you?'

Shake.

'Did Joseph hurt you?'

Nod.

'Badly?'

Hard nod.

'I-' John faltered for second. 'I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you from him. He can... could be manipulative.' He sniffed a little and then continued his questioning. 'Did I do something wrong Harlow?'

Hard shake. None of this was his fault.

'Right.' Even though I was answering him it seemed as though my responses were just bringing more questions to the forefront of his mind. 'Do you-' Stopping himself, his grip on me got too tight and I let out a yelp of pain. 'Oh!' He pulled his hands away unaware that he was squeezing so hard. 'Sorry.' He went back to rubbing smooth circles against the affected areas. 'Will you speak to me again?

Nod.

'But not yet?'

Nod. I was barely able to process how I was feeling inside let alone articulate it to the world.

'Should I shut up now?'

Nod. Shifting my weight, I lay back against him and closed my eyes. For so long I'd wanted to sleep skin to skin with him again. His heart thumped rhythmically against my spine. Stifling a yawn, I tucked my legs up and pressed myself against John's torso. He made a great pillow. Wrapping my arms around one of his biceps, I nestled close to him.

'Comfortable?' He chuckled.

Weak nod. I was already dozing back into a slumber.

'I... I love you Harlow.' John placed one final kiss to the very top of my head as he cradled my body as close as he could muster.