Judgement (John Seed X Deputy OC)

10 - Control

Inhale, exhale. My nostrils flared, the heavy beams that held up the roof of the room feeling like they were going to collapse in on me. Without the threat of Joseph's presence looming, my sins had began to unravel. Inhale, exhale. I went to sweep my now unkept hair back off of my face and caught sight of my blood stained palms.

'Not again.' I groaned. When the red mist came down I became oblivious to what I was doing to myself. The ripping open of my skin had become a common occurrence when I got blinded by anger. Desperation compelled me to watch my own blood pour out onto the floor, cleansing myself of the wrath that boiled through my veins. A part of me felt purged but another knew that if Harlow was here she'd be so disappointed. Between struggling with her own issues in the bunker, she had worked so hard to help me cope with mine.

'It won't fucking open!' I hissed, tossing the can in a rage across the room. It slammed against the wall and spilled it's soupy contents all over the bunker floor. 'Argh for fuck's sake!' Digging my fingers into the crook of my elbows, I crushed my lip hard beneath my incisors in frustration. I'd lost track of how long we'd been stuck in here together but it felt like I was going stir crazy.

'Calm down, it's just soup.' Harlow wrenched my hands off of my arms and held them tight.

'We need it.' I protested, watching the red thick liquid spread into a large puddle.

'We have plenty John.' She clutched onto me, exhausted green eyes searching my face. My chest heaved up and down from the fit of rage. 'Breathe. Inhale, exhale.' She did a demonstration, slowly expanding her ribcage and then letting it collapse again. I imitated her, our breathing syncing up.

'Why did you go?' I muttered under my breath. It was only then that I noticed the figure sitting beside me. Silent but present, the Judge cocked their head as I looked at them. 'You again?' Sighing, my pulse slowed back to normal. 'Rather than just sitting there being useless can you go find a medkit or something?' They sprung to their feet immediately and dashed out of the room. How had I not even noticed them come in? Scanning my office, I took in the mess I'd made and felt guilt hang over my shoulders. As usual, everything I touched ended up broken and destroyed. The Judge soon reappeared and handed me the yellow kit. 'Thanks.' Whipping my jumper over my head, they grunted in surprise at the bandage already wrapped around my waist. 'It's fine. Can you clean up whilst I do this? I don't appreciate being watched all the time.' Despite the venom dripping from my tongue, the Judge began to pick up my papers. They shuffled through them and ordered them, making neat piles. Turning my back on them, I took out a sterilised wipe from the kit and wiped it over my scratched up arms. The alcohol crept beneath my raw skin and sent my nerve-endings firing. Hopefully they would heal over night. Scrubbing the blood out from under my fingernails, I turned to see the Judge struggling to heave the desk back up. 'Here.' Begrudgingly, I took the other end and helped them lift it back upright. That just left the torn duvet to deal with. I opened the cupboard that stood in the corner and unfolded a clean fresh blanket, chucking it messily over the mattress. Screwing up the tattered one, I hid it inside the closet so Kim wouldn't see. Closing the doors slowly, I found myself pinching my brow with forefinger and thumb. Crouching down, I rummaged around in my jacket pocket and pulled out the packet of cigarettes. Time for a smoke.

Propping my elbows on the bannister of the veranda, I flicked my lighter open to brandish a small flame. Cigarette between my lips, I went to light the end when a gloved hand batted it out of my mouth.

'Are you shitting me?' My grumble fell on deaf ears. I could only watch my only form of control tumble down onto the grass below. I moved to pull another fag out but the Judge stopped me, gripping my wrist. Their hands felt small beneath the thick brown gloves. Were they a woman? 'If I recall rightly my brother sent you here to help us fight; not to interrupt my daily routine.' They slackened their hold on me, allowing my fingers to deftly pick up a fresh cigarette and light it. Taking a long toke, I blew the smoke out into the night sky. 'You wouldn't understand why I need this-' I began to speak, turning to look at the figure beside me only to realise that they'd vanished. I whipped my head around but they were no where to be seen. 'Freak.' I cursed them out under my breath, flicking ash and letting my cigarette burn out a bit. Harlow would kill me if she saw me smoking. I could picture her now, berating me about the state of my lungs and how I was going to die young if I kept it up. I'd taken those moments for granted. They were so few and far between but really showed that she cared about me. Was she really dead? No, not Harlow. She always bounced back. Always. Having a final intake, I dropped the stump to the floor and crushed it under my boot. 'I'll find you.' I spoke to the stars, hoping that somewhere out there she was looking at them and thinking of me too.